Week 5 - Playoff Predictions are In!

Well there we go, finally starting to see some points on the board!  Three teams scored over 100 points this week, with Vandelay Industries being the unlucky one scoring 107 yet not pulling out a victory.  Historically, scoring in the triple digits has led to a victory 88.5% of the time.  So it is quite rare to see this happen.  And while scoring 107 and losing sucks, it’s certainly not as bad as when James scored 118 and lost to Ch. 4 News Team 149-118 in Week 15, 2013.  Ouch!  (Record high score in a loss).

This week’s big winner was sprouts who posted the highest score we’ve seen this year (118 points) and thoroughly drubbed Joe’s Pats by 61 points, the largest margin of victory of the year!  Russ put up these impressive numbers in spite of his tight end (Evan Engram) scoring zilch.  The big production came from Leonard Fournette (33 pts), Philip Rivers (20 pts) and TY Hilton (20 pts).  The win gets Russ his second win of the season, improving to 2-3 on the season.  Russ gets an extra tip of the hat this week as his line-up was optimal…nary a point improvement with any of his bench players.  Nicely done sir!

Last week no team scored in triple digits, but the one who came the closest was Mr. James R Hard!  Under team name “Rebuilding Year”, James racked up 99 points thanks to Le’Veon Bell’s 30 points, Tom Brady’s 20 points and Stephen Gostkowski’s 15.  Nice work MAJOR!

In other league standing notes, the Scottish Rebels have officially been overrun by Longshanks, falling to an 0-5 record.  The worst starting record is 0-6, which I have accomplished twice before, so this is familiar territory.  Bad choices combined with bad luck on matchups (I lead the league in points against) have gotten me here.  But the way I look at it, 8-5 should still get me in the playoffs!  Oh yeah!  Longshanks shall take no prisoners!  And speaking of playoffs, its time once again for me to make my playoff predictions… much more on that below.

Let’s do this!


YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT
-Deshaun Watson, QB – Young Guns – 35 pts – Two weeks in a row as the highest scoring player in fantasy, which was the result of two weeks in a row with 5 touchdowns.  This dude is on fire and should expect to see it continue as he faces the Browns next week.

-Leonard Fournette, RB – sprouts – 33 pts – Fournette finished with 181 yards and 2 TD’s, with nearly half of his yards coming on one play, a 90-yard TD run.  That just so happened to be the longest run in Jaguars history.

-Cam Newton, QB – Bubble Craps Bandits – 29 pts – Cam needs to insult women more often, because it apparently makes him play really well.  He racked up 355 yards with 3 TD’s and no interceptions this week.

-Dak Prescott, QB – American BadAss – 29 pts – Best performance of the season from Prescott, totaling 4 TD’s (3 passing, 1 rushing) and just got unlucky on a pick-6 which went right through his receiver’s hands.  Dak is now the 4th ranked fantasy QB, and has scored >20 pts for three weeks in a row.

-Jacksonville, DEF – Vandelay Industries – 28 pts – The Jaguars had Big Ben’s number as they picked him of 5 times (!!!), returning two of those on back-to-back possessions for touchdowns.  They also sacked him twice and only allowed 9 points.  The Jaguars are the #1 defense in fantasy, and it’s not even close.  Never in 100 years would I have ever thought I would write that last line.

-Melvin Gordon, RB – Glory Days – 27 pts – In by far his best game of the season, Gordon went for 163 total yards (105 rushing, 58 receiving) and had 2 TD catches.

WTF?!
-Todd Gurley, RB – Joe’s Pats – 2 pts – Gurley committed the worst fumble of all, losing the ball out of the opponent’s endzone.  It happened on the very first drive of the game, and it didn’t improve from there, as he finished with a meager 43 yards on 14 carries.

-Carlos Hyde, RB – Young Guns – 1 pt – Although he’s apparently not injured, some dude name Matt Breida is getting more snaps than him.  Not a good sign.

-Jared Cook, TE – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts – Cook’s only production (25 yards) was negated by a lost fumble which was returned for a touchdown.  Nice work.

-Amari Cooper, WR – Goose Eggs – 0 pts – Cooper had only 1 catch for 8 yards, giving him 4 catches for 23 yards over his last 4 games.  He is literally the 81st ranked receiver, just ahead of Terrance Williams and behind TJ Jones.

-Dwayne Allen, TE – Joe’s Pats – 0 pts – Joe reached deep here, starting a New England tight end no one has ever heard of, including Tom Brady.  The ball was never thrown his way on Sunday, leaving him with zero yards to add the zero yards he has on the season.  This might be the first guy ever to score zero points and it is not a disappointment. 

-Oakland, DEF – Joe’s Pats – 0 pts – Not a single sack or turnover could be found, and the Raiders surrendered 30 points to the Ravens.  Not a good day.


PLAYOFFS?  DON’T TALK ABOUT PLAYOFFS!  PLAYOFFS?!?!
Each season between Week 5 and 6, I’ve made my prediction on the six teams who will make it to the playoffs.  Last year of the six teams I picked to make it in, all six made it.  My methodology is fluid (which basically means I don’t remember exactly how I did it last year), but this year I'm taking into account current records, current standings, points scored and schedule difficulty (for remaining games).

Without further ado, here are my playoff predictions for 2017:
(and yes, these are in a particular order):

1. Bubble Craps Bandits – Timmy – The Bandits are the highest scoring team thru 5 weeks (which qualifies 100% of the time), and teams who are 4-1 have qualified 75% of the time.
2. Joe’s Pats – Joe – The Pats are the second highest scoring team thru 5 weeks (which also qualifies 100% of the time), plus teams who are 3-2 have qualified 70% of the time.
3. sprouts – Russ – sprouts currently ranks 5th in scoring, which has qualified 72.7% of the time, plus they have the easiest schedule through the remaining 8 games.
4. Coors Light Drunk Guys – Shawn – The Drunks record of 4-1 qualifies 75% of the time, plus Shawn has the third easiest remaining schedule.
5. Young Guns – John – Teams at 2-2-1 have made it to the playoffs 67% of the time.
6. Vandelay Industries – Rob – Vandelay is currently 3rd in points scored, which makes it in to the playoffs 60% of the time, plus Rob has the 4th easiest remaining schedule.

This means the teams on the outside looking in are: Glory Days, Goose Eggs, American BadAss and Longshanks.  I’ll revisit my predictions around Week 12 to see how accurate I am.  Let me just say, I hope I am wildly wrong.

DAD JOKES OF THE WEEK
Caller: Send help, I’m being robbed!
911 Operator: Hi, Being Robbed, I’m dad.  What’s your emergency?

I farted in my wallet, so now I have gas money.

My friend David lost his ID.  So now I call him Dav.

I got diagnosed with color blindness the other day.  It really came right out of the light beige.

I bought my gym membership at Costco and now I’ve got 36-pack abs.

I found a spider in my shoes.  He looks ridiculous…they’re way too big for him.


BEST BENCH
With this being a higher scoring week and with teams on byes, there were not many points left on the bench.  It was a close one, but as I said a couple weeks ago, if you’re gonna do anything, you might as well be the best at it.  Thus, with a 23-point improvement possibility, and for a third time in this young season, the Week 5 Best Bench goes to… Longshanks!  I only needed two roster moves to make it happen this week:  C. Wentz for R. Wilson +17, and D. Bryant for L. Fitzgerald +6.


Get those waiver claims in!  We’re only 3 weeks away from mid terms!  Holy crap!

Joe's Pats Back on Top

Joe’s Pats makes it two out of three!  For the first (and only) time this season, we had a score in the triple digits as Joe laid the lumber on Young Guns pulling off an impressive 116-63 victory.  Joe had huge games from Todd Gurley (32 pts), Brandin Cooks (27 pts) and Rob Gronkowski (14 pts), and even had his kicker post 19!  (Matt Prater had four field goals including 2 from 50+, and 2 PAT’s).   Well done Joe!

In the league standings, we are down to only one undefeated team and one winless team.  Shawn’s Coors Light Drunk Guys are the cream of the crop, leading the way at 3-0, while my Rebels can’t pull their stupid f-ing heads out of their stupid f-ing asses and are the bottom feeders at 0-3.  (As any good manager should, I place all of the blame on my players and accept no criticism for myself).  Shawn has a tough one this week, going up against Joe’s Pats… a matchup pitting the top 2 teams against each other, and the only teams to claim High Score Prizes thus far.  Joe’s Pats lead the league in scoring, averaging 98 ppg, while the Drunks are only averaging 83, so it looks like the Pats are the favorites.  But based on what we’ve seen from the NFL this year, anything can happen.  (Case in point – How do the Jaguars defeat the Ravens 44-7?!)

This week we’ll see if the All Unwanteds were able to stay undefeated, call out a big WTF for the NFL, and find out if there was an all-time record Best Bench.

Onward!


THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT
-Tom Brady, QB – TwoFuckingKickers – 38 pts – Brady’s magic continues… he finished this game with 378 yard and 5 TD’s which means over the last 2 games he has 825 yards and 8 TD’s.  That there is a full season of stats for Josh McCown.

-Russell Wilson, QB – Scottish Rebels – 35 pts – After two pedestrian weeks, Wilson exploded for 373 yards and 4 TD’s against the Titans.  The 373 yards is a career high for Wilson, and he got there by completing 29 of 49 passes.  That is straight up slinging it!

-Stefon Diggs, WR – American BadAss – 32 pts – Pop quiz – Who is the top scoring wide receiver in fantasy?  If you guessed Stefon Diggs you probably cheated.  After this monster performance he has 55 points, 11 better than 2nd place Antonio Brown.

-Todd Gurley, RB – Joe’s Pats – 32 pts – Gurley’s 2017 season is shaping up to be a lot better than his 2016 season.  He found the endzone 3 times this week, giving him 6 TD’s for the season which is the same amount he had all of last year.

-Kirk Cousins, QB – Glory Days – 29 pts – Solid game for Cousins, with 365 yards, 3 TD’s and only 5 incompletions (25 of 30).

-Kareem Hunt, RB – Bubble Craps Bandits – 27 pts – Hunt is on a mission.  He’s averaging 8.53 yards per carry and is on pace for 2,138 rushing yards which would break Eric Dickerson’s single season record.  This week he added 172 yards and a TD.  He is the top RB in fantasy, and it’s not even close… he has 88 points while #2 Todd Gurley has 69.

-Chris Thompson, RB – Scottish Rebels – 27 pts – Two Rebels in the top scorers for the week?  Surely one of them was in the starting line up…

-Brandin Cooks, WR – Joe’s Pats – 27 pts – You knew it was only a matter of time until Brady and Cooks got going big time.  Brady found Cooks five times on Sunday for 131 yards and 2 TD’s, with the second being the game winner.

COME ON MAN!
-Julius Thomas, TE – sprouts – 1 pt – Much like how Drew Brees made Jimmy Graham look like a quality tight end, I’m pretty sure Peyton Manning did the same thing for this guy.

-Marshawn Lynch, RB – American BadAss – 1 pt – “Beast Mode”?  More like “Least Mode”!  (See what I did there?)  The Raiders only managed 128 yards of total offense, and Lynch didn’t do much to help.  He finished with only 18 yards on 6 carries.

-Jay Ajayi, RB – Young Guns – 1 pt – Ajayi averaged a paltry 1.45 yards per carry, compiling a pathetic 16 yards on 18 carries.  Yuck.

-Justin Tucker, K – Young Guns – 1 pt – It’s the kiss of death for a kicker to be highly projected going into the season.  Tucker came in as the #2 ranked kicker and currently ranks 27th.

-Kyle Rudolph, TE – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts – The Vikings have 369 passing yards and yet Rudolph only accounts for 1 catch for 4 yards?  I mean shit…

-Hunter Henry, TE – Glory Days – 0 pts – It’s hard to score points when you don’t actually touch the ball.

-Carolina, DEF – Glory Days – 0 pts – The Panthers had 1 sack en route to giving up 34 points.

-Travis Kelce, TE – Bubble Craps Bandits – 0 pts – One catch for one yard.  Um no.

-Tampa Bay, DEF – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 0 pts – No help from defenses this week.

-Terrance West, RB – sprouts – 0 pts – The Jaguars dominated the Ravens, holding West to only 26 yards plus a lost fumble.  Really weird to say "The Jaguars dominated..."

-Jack Doyle, TE – TwoFuckingKickers – -1 pt – Doyle’s crappy day (2 catches for 16 yards) was made even worse by losing a fumble.

-Seattle, DEF – sprouts – -1 pt – See what I mean?


RANDOMNESS OF THE WEEK #1
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.



WTF NFL?
The Detroit Lions are trailing the Falcons by 4 points in the closing seconds of the game.  After a couple plays to get down near the goal line, Stafford throws a short slant pass to Golden Tate who dives into endzone and the refs signal touchdown.  With only 8 seconds left on the clock, this looks like it’s going to be the game winner!  Then the NFL’s scoring review process kicked in.  Inexplicably they call Tate down at the half yard line.  I’ve watched the replay multiple times, and I just do not see Tate being down prior to crossing the goal line.  But in any event, the play happened on 3rd down, so you figure the Lions have one last chance to try to punch it in and pull off an upset.  I mean, there were still 8 seconds on the clock.  But no, the referee ruled that because the clock was running when they went into review that there is a mandatory 10 second runoff.  And so this is how the game ended!
Really NFL, this is how you want to end games?  Not with an exciting catch at the goal line with 8 seconds left IN FRONT OF A HOME CROWD, but with a replay review leading to a call reversal and a mandatory clock run off?  WTF NFL?


THEY PROBABLY WEREN’T DRAFTED FOR A REASON
Week 3, and the All Unwanteds come in 2-0, facing the Bubble Craps Bandits.  Here is the AUW lineup:

QB	Josh McCown NYJ	13
RB	Matt Forte NYJ	2
RB	Tarik Cohen Chi	9
WR	Jermaine Kearse NYJ	4
WR	Robby Anderson NYJ	15
TE	Zach Miller Chi	1
K	Chandler CatanzaroNYJ	9
DEF	New York NYJ	14
	TOTAL	67

Pretty poor performance this week.  The Bandits scored 84 this week, so the All Unwanteds move to 2-1.  Week 4 opponent: sprouts

RANDOMNESS OF THE WEEK #2
Ban pre-shredded cheese – Make America grate again.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.


BEST BENCH
As I’ve said before, if you’re gonna suck you might as well be the best at it.  True to form, my Scottish Rebels are dominating the last two weeks.  For the second week in a row, my bench improvement (just the freaking improvement) has outscored my starting lineup.  Last week I had a 51-point improvement vs. 48 points scored, and now this week I had a 78-point improvement possibility versus 64 points scored.  (This ranks as the 4th highest Best Bench of all time.  Sprouts holds the record with an 89 point Best Bench way back in Week 2 2009).  For my 78 points this week, I needed a near complete roster overhaul with five moves:  R. Wilson for C. Wentz +22, J. Howard for CJ Anderson +22, L. Fitzgerald for D. Bryant +13, C. Thompson for E. Elliott +12, C. Hogan for D. Thomas +9.  I don’t have backups for TE, K or DEF, so basically every player where I could have made a substitution, I should have made a substitution.


Week 4 is coming up!  And my annual playoff predictions are only 2 weeks away (after Week 5)…

F'n'A - We need some scores!!

What a contrast from last year!  After two weeks of play in 2016, there had been 6 teams to score over 100 points, and a total of 1,705 points had been scored.  This year, no team has crossed the triple digit threshold and only 1,470 points have been scored.  Teams are averaging nearly 12 fewer points per game this year!  The Bubble Craps Bandits, who currently lead the league in scoring with 183 points, are the lowest scoring team after two weeks in Sacred Sundays history.  Also, I scoured the records and did not find another instance of two weeks in a row with no team scoring over 100 points.  You’d think after doing this for 14 years we’d know what the hell we’re doing, but we all seem to be regressing!  Haha!

Congrats this week go to the Coors Light Drunk Guys who got solid performances from Drew Brees (25 pts), Devonta Freeman (21 pts), and the Tampa Defense (19 pts), and moved to a 2-0 record by posting 98 points!  Nice work Shawn Martin!  Winning the Weekly High Score Prize in the second week of the season is a good omen for the rest of the season, as the team doing so in the last 5 years has finished 2^nd twice and 3^rd twice.  The worst finish in the last 5 years for the Week 2 High Scorer was 7^th, back in 2014, which ironically, was the Coors Light Drunk Guys.  

If you look at total points scored, the team in the top spot after two weeks has finished on average in 4^th, which is the second best average finish.   The best average finish comes from the 2^nd highest scoring team after two weeks, finishing at an average of 3.8.  The third best average finish (and you guys will think I’m making this up) comes from the team ranked 9^th in total scoring, finishing at an average of 4.4.  Who is ranked 9^th in scoring right now, you ask?!  That would be the muthafuckin’ Scottish Rebels!  I’m putting everyone on notice---the Rebels are coming!!  I'm gunning for a top 4 finish!!

In overall standings the Drunks are the lone undefeated team in the South Division, while the Bubble Craps Bandits and Young Guns are undefeated in the North.  The best starting record all time stands at 6-0, having been achieved 4 times and most recently by Channel 4 News Team (Timmy) in 2013.  On the flip side, American BadAss, sprouts and my Scottish Rebels remain winless.  The record for the worst starting record is 0-6, accomplished twice in back-to-back seasons by my Scottish Rebels in 2011 & 2012.  So record chasing is on!

  

This week we’ll have our first check in with the All Unwanteds, get some life lessons from Mark Twain and hand out another Best Bench.  Onward!

THAT’S HOW YOU DO FANTASY FOOTBALL

-Tom Brady, QB – TwoFuckingKickers – 32 pts – Brady was clearly pissed about Week 1, and he let the Saints feel the full length of his shaft.  He finished with an impressive 447 yards and 3 TD’s, and only had 9 incompletions.  That’s the Tom Brady we know.

-C.J. Anderson, RB – Scottish Rebels – 26 pts – One runningback on my bench scored 25 more points than the TWO runningbacks on my active roster.  Do the math and you’ll understand why I still have the taste of vomit in my mouth.

-Michael Crabtree, WR – Glory Days – 26 pts – Solid game for Crabby, catching all 6 balls thrown his way for 80 yards and 3 TD’s!

-Drew Brees, QB – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 25 pts – With the Saints defense having more holes than the hull of the Titanic, it looks like Brees is going to be throwing a lot this season.  He tossed it 45 times this week, amassing 356 yards and 2 TD’s.

COME ON MAN

-Julius Thomas, TE – sprouts – 2 pts – Two catches for 26 yards is better than nothing, but not by much.  Thomas has gotta do better.

-Stefon Diggs, WR – American BadAss – 2 pts – Diggs only got credit for 2 catches, as he had two long ones called back on penalties. 

-Ezekiel Elliott, RB – Scottish Rebels – 1 pt – Zeke apparently thought his suspension was in effect for this game.  He carried the ball 9 times and caught 4 passes (13 total touches), but managed only a combined 22 yards.  So he gained 1.7 yards per touch.  Yeah, no.

-Jimmy Graham, TE – TwoFuckingKickers – 0 pts – Graham added a catch and a yard to his season stats, putting him at four catches for 9 yards through the first two games.  This guy was good at one time right?  I’m not just imagining that? Right?

-Jordan Howard, RB – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts – Seven rushing yards on nine attempts.  Seven.  Rushing.  Yards.  On.  Nine.  Attempts.  W.  T.  F?

-Thomas Rawls, RB – American BadAss – 0 pts – 5 &4… Five attempts for four yards.  That be it.

MARK TWAIN LIFE LESSONS

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform your position.

Honesty is the best policy---when there is money in it.

THE ALL UNWANTEDS

At the conclusion of the draft, there were two teams who only had 1 player drafted, the New York Jets and the Chicago Bears.  From those teams remaining players, I’ll be putting together the best roster I can and have them go up against a random opponent each week.  Week 1’s opponent was TwoFuckingKickers.  Here is the All Unwanteds lineup:

Week 1                       

QB       Mike Glennon Chi       12

RB        Matt Forte NYJ            3

RB        Tarik Cohen Chi          16

WR      Jermaine Kearse NYJ  5

WR      Kendall Wright Chi      3

TE        Zach Miller Chi           3

K          Chandler Catanzaro NYJ    9

DEF      New York NYJ  5

TOTAL 56

TwoFuckingKickers scored only 53 in Week 1, so the All Unwanteds squeaked out a close win to start the season 1-0.

The Week 2 opponent was the Scottish Rebels.  Here is the Week 2 lineup for the All Unwanteds:

Week 2                       

QB       Josh McCown NYJ       15

RB        Matt Forte NYJ            8

RB        Tarik Cohen Chi          4

WR      Jermaine Kearse NYJ  18

WR      Deonte Thompson Chi 11

TE        Zach Miller Chi           4

K          Chandler Catanzaro NYJ 10

DEF      Chicago Chi     5

TOTAL 75

Since my Rebels only scored 48, the All Unwanteds stay unbeaten at 2-0.  Week 3 opponent is the Bubble Craps Bandits.

TOP 5 CHECK IN

As mentioned in the preseason, I’m going to be tracking the Top 5 for each position based on their Yahoo! rank on 9/5/17, versus reality.  After two weeks, Yahoo! is not faring well… out of 30 ranked players, only 6 players predicted to be in the top 5 are actually currently in the top 5.

Top 5 Ranks per Yahoo! QB as of 9/5/17 After Week 2 (9/19/17) 1 Aaron Rodgers Alex Smith KC 2 Tom Brady Trevor Siemian Den 3 Drew Brees Tom Brady NE 4 Russell Wilson Carson Wentz Phi 5 Matt Ryan Drew Brees NO RB 1 David Johnson Kareem Hunt KC 2 Le'Veon Bell Todd Gurley II LAR 3 LeSean McCoy Ty Montgomery GB 4 Melvin Gordon C.J. Anderson Den 5 Devonta Freeman Mike Gillislee NE WR 1 Antonio Brown Michael Crabtree Oak 2 Julio Jones J.J. Nelson Ari 3 Odell Beckham, Jr. Antonio Brown Pit 4 Mike Evans Tyreek Hill KC 5 A.J. Green Jermaine Kearse NYJ TE 1 Rob Gronkowski Jason Witten Dal 2 Travis Kelce Rob Gronkowski NE 3 Greg Olsen Travis Kelce KC 4 Jordan Reed Coby Fleener NO 5 Jimmy Graham Delanie Walker Ten DEF 1 Denver Baltimore Bal 2 Seattle Detroit Det 3 Houston Los Angeles LAR 4 Kansas City Jacksonville Jax 5 Minnesota Philadelphia Phi K 1 Stephen Gostkowski Giorgio Tavecchio Oak 2 Justin Tucker Ryan Succop Ten 3 Matt Bryant Matt Bryant Atl 4 Dan Bailey Greg Zuerlein LAR 5 Mason Crosby Wil Lutz NO

Obviously we are only two weeks in so a lot can and will change, I am just shocked at some of the names in the actual column.  Trevor Siemian…Ty Montgomery…Mike Gillislee… Michael Crabtree… Giorgio Tavecchio… I mean how far down the list were these guys?

BEST BENCH

Not even a competition this week.  One team DOMINATED the field for best bench, with a massive 51 point improvement possibility.  That team would be my Scottish Rebels… with a half roster overhaul needed – CJ Anderson for J. Howard +26, C. Wentz for R. Wilson +10, T. Coleman for E. Elliott +9 and C. Hogan for D. Thomas +6.

Okay for Week 3 let's see if some team, any team, can do what no one has done this season and score in the triple digits!!

Week 1 goes to the Pats

If Week 1 is any indication, this is going to be an interesting season.  And by “interesting” I mean completely wacked out.  We had superstar players score jack crap (Rob Gronkowski = 3, Le’Veon Bell = 4, David Johnson = 6, Julio Jones = 6, Greg Olsen = 1), and a bunch of no names scoring huge (Kareem Hunt = 39, Alex Smith = 33, Mike Gillislee = 22, Austin Hooper = 18, Kenny Golladay = 18).  Also no team was able to crack into triple digits which is the first time that has ever happened in Week 1.  The total points scored (706) was lower than any week in all of 2016.  Only one way to go from here!  (At least I hope so!)  We had one matchup pair the two lowest scoring teams (with Coors Light Drunk Guys edging sprouts 57-52, in what is surely one of the lower scoring games of all time), and my team sucked so hard my highest scoring player was my freaking kicker.

The big congratulations go to Joe’s Pats who managed to climb to the top of the dung pile and claim the Week 1 High Score with 95 points.  Joe was led by his defense (LA Rams 29 pts), and had a solid game from his QB (Marcus Mariota 18 pts) and running back (Todd Gurley 15 pts).  Winning the High Score Prize in Week 1 is a great way to start your season as the team who does so has finished no worse than 3rd in the last 6 years and has been the runner-up the last 3 years.  Nice work Joe!!


BEST OF THE BEST
-Kareem Hunt, RB – Bubble Craps Bandits – 39 pts – This epic performance surprised everyone… 99.9999% of people were surprised by how many points Hunt scored, but Timmy was surprised he didn’t score more.  If you asked Tim, he was expecting more like 50.  All told, Hunt finished with 148 yards on the ground, 98 through the air and 3 total TD’s.
-Alex Smith, QB – Bubble Craps Bandits – 33 pts – About the only thing to criticize for Smith was throwing 7 incomplete passes.  He finished with 368 yards and 4 TD’s!  Yeah, I’ll take it.
-LA Rams, DEF – Joe’s Pats – 29 pts – The Rams absolutely walloped a Luck-less Colt’s team.
-Jacksonville, DEF – Joe’s Pats – 28 pts – Seriously, Joe?!  The top 2 defenses in Week 1 and you drafted both of them?  What the hell?!  That is some crazy wizardry!
-Matt Stafford, QB – Vandelay Industries – 26 pts – Slow start for Stafford, but he finished strong and had 292 yards, 4 TD’s and 1 Int.
-Sam Bradford, QB – Free Agent – 25 pts – Is this the year Bradford finally joins the ranks of top tier quarterbacks in the NFL?  I’m betting no (but remember my best player this week was my kicker).


COME ON MAN!
-Greg Olsen, TE – Vandelay Industries – 1 pt – Really a whole lot of nothing for Olsen in this game.  He was targeted only 4 times and caught 2 of those for a whopping 18 yards.
-Joe Mixon, RB – sprouts – 1 pt – Mixon racked up 9 yards on his first two carries (4.5 ypc…looking promising!), but then did not gain another yard on his next 7 carries (ouch!).
-Houston, DEF – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts - Another storm blew through Houston, this time named the Jacksonville Jaguars.  The Texans recorded 0 sacks, 0 turnovers, 0 safeties, 0 blocked kicks, 0 confidence and gave up 23 points.  To Jacksonville.
-Tyler Eifert, TE – sprouts – 0 pts – No he didn’t get injured, the Bengals just aren’t very good.  He caught the lone pass thrown his way, for 4 yards.
-Jimmy Graham, TE – TwoFuckingKickers – 0 pts – Usually when a guy catches 3 passes and doesn’t have a turnover, you’d expect to see at least a point or two on the board.  Graham managed to turn his 3 catches into 8 whole yards.
- Jamison Crowder, WR – sprouts – -1 pt – Crowder was one of only 4 players to finish with negative points this week.


RANDOM THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Is a group of squids called a squad?


BEST BENCH
With as few points as were scored this week, there were not many points left on the bench.  But with a 37-point improvement possibility, the Week 1 Best Bench belongs to… American BadAss!!  Jason basically needed to swap out his pass catchers:  S. Diggs for D. Adams (+17), A. Thielen for T. Pryor Sr. (+12) and J. Witten for J. Reed (+8).

Next week will be a full length write up with a check on the All Unwanteds, esoteric jokes and everything else.  Get those waiver claims in and get ready for Week 2!

Sacred Sundays 2017 May Now Begin

And... we're off!  After what has felt like forever, we are finally back to football!  Best of luck to everyone, except when you are playing my team…haha!

Here are some quick hits from the draft:

• Breakdown of positions selected (including keepers): QB=20, RB=42, WR=48, TE=16, DEF=13, K=11* (*Nice work James!)
• NFL teams with the most players selected: NE=8, ATL=7, GB=7, NO=7, CAR, DAL, IND, KC, NYG, SEA & TEN = 6
• NFL teams with the least players selected:  CLE, HOU, JAX, LAR, PHI = 3, SF=2, CHI & NYJ = 1.
• Best comment during the draft – Rob: “There appears to be something wrong with the draft room.  A kicker was just selected in the 6th round.”  Priceless.
• Favorite thing I saw in Vegas – Dude walking through Excalibur wearing a shirt saying “Did I Shave My Balls For This?”
• Greatest Vegas Accomplishment – Shawn Martin made it to and made it home with his wallet!

Also, a couple notes for the future:

• We will be lengthening the time per pick in next year’s draft to 2 minutes.  The 1-minute time allotment in this draft felt like 10 seconds at times.
• Although that won’t matter if we get everyone to Vegas for next year’s draft.  Twin Peaks will graciously host an offline draft, which would be awesome because there is a hostess I wouldn’t mind staring at for 4+ hours.

We May Have Different Definitions of the Term "Lock"
Alabama defeated Florida State 24-7 in a nationally televised game, which probably wasn't even as close as the score would indicate.  Thank god I didn't follow a hot tip and actually bet any money on this game!


2017 All Unwanteds
In keeping with the tradition from the last several years, I will put together the best team I can each week using only players from the most unwanted team(s).  This year’s honor goes to the Chicago Bears and New York Jets, both of whom only had 1 player drafted.  (The two drafted players are ineligible to be on the Unwanted team, obviously).  Unfortunately, this means the quarterback options are Josh McCown, Bryce Petty, Mike Glennon and Mitchell Trubisky.  Yikes!  Crossing my fingers on this one.


Useful Tip of the Day
Use this rhyme if you’re ever facing a bear:  If it’s brown, lay down.  If it’s black, fight back.  If it’s white, good night.


Top 5 Tracking
This season, I will be tracking the preseason rankings for the top five in each position to see how accurate the “experts” are.  For the expert rankings, I’m using the Yahoo! consensus rankings as of 09/05/17.  Here they are for each position:
QB
1 Aaron Rodgers
2 Tom Brady
3 Drew Brees
4 Russell Wilson
5 Matt Ryan
RB
1 David Johnson
2 Le'Veon Bell
3 LeSean McCoy
4 Melvin Gordon
5 Devonta Freeman
WR
1 Antonio Brown
2 Julio Jones
3 Odell Beckham, Jr.
4 Mike Evans
5 A.J. Green
TE
1 Rob Gronkowski
2 Travis Kelce
3 Greg Olsen
4 Jordan Reed
5 Jimmy Graham
DEF
1 Denver
2 Seattle
3 Houston
4 Kansas City
5 Minnesota
K
1 Stephen Gostkowski
2 Justin Tucker
3 Matt Bryant
4 Dan Bailey
5 Mason Crosby
This item will be updated every five weeks to see how closely reality tracks with the predictions.


Now, I’m ready to see some games!!  And Zeke’s in for Week 1 you mothertruckers, so it’s on!!!  THE REBELS WILL RISE!!!

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!?!?

Vandelay Industries is Champion!

The latex industry is booming!  Vandelay Industries has claimed the 2016 Sacred Sundays championship, knocking off Young Guns 116-97 in a competitive back-and-forth finale!  It all came down to the Monday Night Cowboys-Lions game, where Vandelay had a tight end and kicker playing and Young Guns had a kicker.  Funny how after everything this season, it came down to the two least significant positions (TE and K) to settle it all.  Both teams in the finale brought their best, with Vandelay Industries only having a +3 point improvement possibility from the bench and Young Guns only having a +4 point improvement possibility.  Great game, gentlemen, and congratulations to both of you!

To go along with claiming the grand prize, Vandelay Industries also took the final Weekly High Score Prize of the season, narrowly edging American BadAss and Bubble Craps Bandits by 1 point (116 to 115).  Vandelay had big games from Russell Wilson (36 pts), Lesean McCoy (19 pts), and Antonio Brown (15 pts).  Last season, Joe’s Pats accomplished the same feat of winning both the championship game and the Weekly High Score Prize, so I’m starting to see a trend.  But it was good to see all of the high scores this week (5 teams scored in triple figures), after the last several low scoring weeks.  Week 16 ended up as the highest scoring week of 2016 (977 total points scored), and actually ranks as the 7^th highest scoring week of all time.  For Vandelay Industries, it was their highest scoring week of the season, earning Louis a 2^nd Weekly High Score Prize.  Well done sir!  Way to bring it when it counts!!

Okay, so this week we’ll take a look at the final money tally, unpack a few random odds and ends from this season, and crown the final Best Bench!

Let’s go!

EVERYONE NEEDS MONEY…THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT MONEY

Here is a final tally on prize money:

MONEY TOTAL		Weekly High	Playoffs	Total
1	Louis	$100	$225	$325
2	Jason	$150	$67	$217
3	John	$50	$113	$163
4	Russ	$150	$0	$150
5	Joe	$100	$45	$145
6	Jerry	$75	$0	$75
7	Shawn	$50	$0	$50
8	Jens	$25	$0	$25

Also, bear in mind that all teams (except for Young Guns) get $10 back for the two weeks won by the Midnight Maulers.  I’ll contact each of you separately to see how you would like to receive your winnings, and will get those processed as soon as possible.

ESOTERIC JOKE OF THE WEEK #1

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat walked over and flashed them!  Two of the little old ladies immediately had a stroke, but the third one didn’t want to touch it.

2016 SEASON TIDBITS

• American BadAss was the highest scoring team (counting all weeks including playoffs), having scored 1,500 points.  Second highest was Joe’s Pats with 1,437 points.  And in third place, if you can believe it, was my Scottish Rebels with 1,392 points.
• The highest scoring undrafted player was Matt Ryan who finished with 311 points, ranking him as the 3^rd highest scoring quarterback (4^th highest overall).
• The top 8 highest scoring non-drafted players were all quarterbacks.  The 9^th highest scoring non-drafted player was a kicker, Matt Bryant.  Bryant ended up as the 2^nd highest scoring kicker in fantasy, only trailing the top kicker, Justin Tucker, by 1 point (171-170).
• From our 2016 draft, 31 players drafted are now no longer on any team, owing to injury and sucking.
• Three players drafted ended up scoring zero points this season:  Josh Gordon (CLE-WR) 10^th round, Tony Romo (DAL-QB) 11^th round, and Connor Barth (NO-K) 14^th round.
• The highest scoring keeper was Aaron Rodgers, who scored 337 points on the season, and was the top scoring player in fantasy.
• The highest individual player game score this season was accomplished by Le’Veon Bell who scored 50 point in Week 14.
• Over the last 5 seasons, the top seeded team has failed to win the championship.  You have to go back to 2011 when the Coors Light Drunk Guys entered the playoffs as the #1 seed and took the title.
• The longest win streak by any team this season was 6, accomplished by American BadAss (Week 8 to Week 13).
• The longest losing streak of the season was 5, accomplished by Scottish Rebels and 14inchDitka both opening the season 0-5.
• The Coors Light Drunk Guys are the first team in history to record back-to-back tie games (Week 6 and Week 7).
• The highest team score in single game this season was 150 points, accomplished by Yahoo! managing the Midnight Maulers in Week 4.
• The largest margin of victory this season was 88 points, accomplished by the Midnight Maulers in Week 4 defeating NextYearUndefeated 150-62.
• The lowest score in a single game this season was 45 points, accomplished by my Scottish Rebels in Week 4.

ESOTERIC JOKE OF THE WEEK #2

I have an EpiPen.  My friend gave it to me as he was dying.  It seemed very important to him that I have it.

2017 DRAFT

The draft order for 2017 is set:

1)      14inchDitka – James

2)      Scottish Rebels – Jerry

3)      Bubble Craps Bandits – Timmy

4)      sprouts – Russ

5)      Beautiful Turds – Jens

6)      Coors Light Drunk Guys – Shawn

7)      Joe’s Pats – Joe

8)      American BadAss – Jason

9)      Young Guns – John

10)  Vandelay Industries – Louis

Same rules apply for keepers:  Each team can designate up to two players as keepers from this year’s final roster for next year’s roster.  Players designated as keepers will count as a draft pick in whatever round they were drafted this season.  Players who were keepers in 2016 will count as 1^st round picks in 2017.  Undrafted players will count as 15^th round picks.  If two players are kept who have the same draft value, they will count as a pick in that round and the subsequent round (e.g. two first round keepers will count as 1^st and 2^nd round picks).  The exception to this is if two 15^th round keepers are selected—those will count as 14^th and 15^th round picks.  Rosters will be considered final as of Friday, December 30^th.  I will send out a spreadsheet listing all final rosters, 2016 point totals and 2017 draft values. 

ESOTERIC JOKE OF THE WEEK #3

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said, “Well everything looks great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job—what happened there?”  The guy says, “Oh I went to Yale”.  The employer says, “Oh great!  Well you’re hired, you start Monday.”  Guy:  “Yay!  I got a yob!”

BEST BENCH

This season there were three teams who never received a Best Bench:  14inchDitka, Joe’s Pats and Beautiful Turds.  Nice work to each of you on managing your rosters well.  The final Best Bench of the season is the 2^nd Best Bench for…sprouts!  Russ could have improved by 37 points this week with four roster swaps:  T. Gurley for J. Hill +14, S. Watkins for A. Robinson +10, Rams for Broncos +7 and B. Bortles for M. Ryan +6.

Alas, sixteen weeks of football have come and gone in what feels like an instant.  Many, many thanks to all of you for making this league great year after year.  It is hard to believe we just wrapped up our 13^th season…here’s to 13 more!

 

Wishing you all a safe, prosperous and awesome 2017!!