What a contrast from last year! After two weeks of play in 2016, there had
been 6 teams to score over 100 points, and a total of 1,705 points had been
scored. This year, no team has crossed
the triple digit threshold and only 1,470 points have been scored. Teams are averaging nearly 12 fewer points
per game this year! The Bubble Craps
Bandits, who currently lead the league in scoring with 183 points, are the
lowest scoring team after two weeks in Sacred Sundays history. Also, I scoured the records and did not find another
instance of two weeks in a row with no team scoring over 100 points. You’d think after doing this for 14 years
we’d know what the hell we’re doing, but we all seem to be regressing! Haha!
Congrats this week go to the Coors Light Drunk Guys who got
solid performances from Drew Brees (25 pts), Devonta Freeman (21 pts), and the
Tampa Defense (19 pts), and moved to a 2-0 record by posting 98 points! Nice work Shawn Martin! Winning the Weekly High Score Prize in the second week of the season is a good omen for the rest of the season, as the team doing so in the last 5 years has finished 2nd twice and 3rd twice. The worst finish in the last 5 years for the Week 2 High Scorer was 7th, back in 2014, which ironically, was the Coors Light Drunk Guys.
If you look at total points scored, the team in the top spot after two weeks has finished on average in 4th, which is the second best average finish. The best average finish comes from the 2nd highest scoring team after two weeks, finishing at an average of 3.8. The third best average finish (and you guys will think I’m making this up) comes from the team ranked 9th in total scoring, finishing at an average of 4.4. Who is ranked 9th in scoring right now, you ask?! That would be the muthafuckin’ Scottish Rebels! I’m putting everyone on notice---the Rebels are coming!! I'm gunning for a top 4 finish!!
In overall standings the Drunks are the lone undefeated team in
the South Division, while the Bubble Craps Bandits and Young Guns are
undefeated in the North. The best starting record all time stands at 6-0, having been achieved 4 times and most recently
by Channel 4 News Team (Timmy) in 2013.
On the flip side, American BadAss, sprouts and my Scottish Rebels remain
winless. The record for the worst
starting record is 0-6, accomplished twice in back-to-back seasons by my
Scottish Rebels in 2011 & 2012. So
record chasing is on!
This week we’ll have our first check in with the All
Unwanteds, get some life lessons from Mark Twain and hand out another Best
Bench. Onward!
THAT’S HOW YOU DO FANTASY FOOTBALL
-Tom Brady, QB – TwoFuckingKickers – 32 pts – Brady was
clearly pissed about Week 1, and he let the Saints feel the full length of his
shaft. He finished with an impressive
447 yards and 3 TD’s, and only had 9 incompletions. That’s the Tom Brady we know.
-C.J. Anderson, RB – Scottish Rebels – 26 pts – One
runningback on my bench scored 25 more points than the TWO runningbacks on my
active roster. Do the math and you’ll
understand why I still have the taste of vomit in my mouth.
-Michael Crabtree, WR – Glory Days – 26 pts – Solid game for
Crabby, catching all 6 balls thrown his way for 80 yards and 3 TD’s!
-Drew Brees, QB – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 25 pts – With the
Saints defense having more holes than the hull of the Titanic, it looks like
Brees is going to be throwing a lot this season. He tossed it 45 times this week, amassing 356
yards and 2 TD’s.
COME ON MAN
-Julius Thomas, TE – sprouts – 2 pts – Two catches for 26
yards is better than nothing, but not by much.
Thomas has gotta do better.
-Stefon Diggs, WR – American BadAss – 2 pts – Diggs only got
credit for 2 catches, as he had two long ones called back on penalties.
-Ezekiel Elliott, RB – Scottish Rebels – 1 pt – Zeke apparently
thought his suspension was in effect for this game. He carried the ball 9 times and caught 4
passes (13 total touches), but managed only a combined 22 yards. So he gained 1.7 yards per touch. Yeah, no.
-Jimmy Graham, TE – TwoFuckingKickers – 0 pts – Graham added
a catch and a yard to his season stats, putting him at four catches for 9 yards
through the first two games. This guy
was good at one time right? I’m not just
imagining that? Right?
-Jordan Howard, RB – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts – Seven rushing
yards on nine attempts. Seven. Rushing.
Yards. On. Nine.
Attempts. W. T. F?
-Thomas Rawls, RB – American BadAss – 0 pts – 5 &4… Five
attempts for four yards. That be it.
MARK TWAIN LIFE LESSONS
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after
tomorrow.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority,
it is time to reform your position.
Honesty is the best policy---when there is money in it.
THE ALL UNWANTEDS
At the conclusion of the draft, there were two teams who
only had 1 player drafted, the New York Jets and the Chicago Bears. From those teams remaining players, I’ll be putting
together the best roster I can and have them go up against a random opponent
each week. Week 1’s opponent was
TwoFuckingKickers. Here is the All
Unwanteds lineup:
Week 1
QB Mike
Glennon Chi 12
RB Matt
Forte NYJ 3
RB Tarik
Cohen Chi 16
WR Jermaine
Kearse NYJ 5
WR Kendall
Wright Chi 3
TE Zach
Miller Chi 3
K Chandler
Catanzaro NYJ 9
DEF New
York NYJ 5
TOTAL 56
TwoFuckingKickers scored only 53 in Week 1, so the All
Unwanteds squeaked out a close win to start the season 1-0.
The Week 2 opponent was the Scottish Rebels. Here is the Week 2 lineup for the All
Unwanteds:
Week 2
QB Josh
McCown NYJ 15
RB Matt
Forte NYJ 8
RB Tarik
Cohen Chi 4
WR Jermaine
Kearse NYJ 18
WR Deonte
Thompson Chi 11
TE Zach
Miller Chi 4
K Chandler
Catanzaro NYJ 10
DEF Chicago Chi 5
TOTAL 75
Since my Rebels only scored 48, the All Unwanteds stay
unbeaten at 2-0. Week 3 opponent is the
Bubble Craps Bandits.
TOP 5 CHECK IN
As mentioned in the preseason, I’m going to be tracking the
Top 5 for each position based on their Yahoo! rank on 9/5/17, versus
reality. After two weeks, Yahoo! is not
faring well… out of 30 ranked players, only 6 players predicted to be in the
top 5 are actually currently in the top 5.
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Obviously we are only two weeks in so a lot can and will
change, I am just shocked at some of the names in the actual column. Trevor Siemian…Ty Montgomery…Mike Gillislee…
Michael Crabtree… Giorgio Tavecchio… I mean how far down the list were these
guys?
BEST BENCH
Not even a competition this week. One team DOMINATED the field for best bench,
with a massive 51 point improvement possibility. That team would be my Scottish Rebels… with a
half roster overhaul needed – CJ Anderson for J. Howard +26, C. Wentz for R. Wilson
+10, T. Coleman for E. Elliott +9 and C. Hogan for D. Thomas +6.
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