Week 1 goes to the Pats

If Week 1 is any indication, this is going to be an interesting season.  And by “interesting” I mean completely wacked out.  We had superstar players score jack crap (Rob Gronkowski = 3, Le’Veon Bell = 4, David Johnson = 6, Julio Jones = 6, Greg Olsen = 1), and a bunch of no names scoring huge (Kareem Hunt = 39, Alex Smith = 33, Mike Gillislee = 22, Austin Hooper = 18, Kenny Golladay = 18).  Also no team was able to crack into triple digits which is the first time that has ever happened in Week 1.  The total points scored (706) was lower than any week in all of 2016.  Only one way to go from here!  (At least I hope so!)  We had one matchup pair the two lowest scoring teams (with Coors Light Drunk Guys edging sprouts 57-52, in what is surely one of the lower scoring games of all time), and my team sucked so hard my highest scoring player was my freaking kicker.

The big congratulations go to Joe’s Pats who managed to climb to the top of the dung pile and claim the Week 1 High Score with 95 points.  Joe was led by his defense (LA Rams 29 pts), and had a solid game from his QB (Marcus Mariota 18 pts) and running back (Todd Gurley 15 pts).  Winning the High Score Prize in Week 1 is a great way to start your season as the team who does so has finished no worse than 3rd in the last 6 years and has been the runner-up the last 3 years.  Nice work Joe!!


BEST OF THE BEST
-Kareem Hunt, RB – Bubble Craps Bandits – 39 pts – This epic performance surprised everyone… 99.9999% of people were surprised by how many points Hunt scored, but Timmy was surprised he didn’t score more.  If you asked Tim, he was expecting more like 50.  All told, Hunt finished with 148 yards on the ground, 98 through the air and 3 total TD’s.
-Alex Smith, QB – Bubble Craps Bandits – 33 pts – About the only thing to criticize for Smith was throwing 7 incomplete passes.  He finished with 368 yards and 4 TD’s!  Yeah, I’ll take it.
-LA Rams, DEF – Joe’s Pats – 29 pts – The Rams absolutely walloped a Luck-less Colt’s team.
-Jacksonville, DEF – Joe’s Pats – 28 pts – Seriously, Joe?!  The top 2 defenses in Week 1 and you drafted both of them?  What the hell?!  That is some crazy wizardry!
-Matt Stafford, QB – Vandelay Industries – 26 pts – Slow start for Stafford, but he finished strong and had 292 yards, 4 TD’s and 1 Int.
-Sam Bradford, QB – Free Agent – 25 pts – Is this the year Bradford finally joins the ranks of top tier quarterbacks in the NFL?  I’m betting no (but remember my best player this week was my kicker).


COME ON MAN!
-Greg Olsen, TE – Vandelay Industries – 1 pt – Really a whole lot of nothing for Olsen in this game.  He was targeted only 4 times and caught 2 of those for a whopping 18 yards.
-Joe Mixon, RB – sprouts – 1 pt – Mixon racked up 9 yards on his first two carries (4.5 ypc…looking promising!), but then did not gain another yard on his next 7 carries (ouch!).
-Houston, DEF – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts - Another storm blew through Houston, this time named the Jacksonville Jaguars.  The Texans recorded 0 sacks, 0 turnovers, 0 safeties, 0 blocked kicks, 0 confidence and gave up 23 points.  To Jacksonville.
-Tyler Eifert, TE – sprouts – 0 pts – No he didn’t get injured, the Bengals just aren’t very good.  He caught the lone pass thrown his way, for 4 yards.
-Jimmy Graham, TE – TwoFuckingKickers – 0 pts – Usually when a guy catches 3 passes and doesn’t have a turnover, you’d expect to see at least a point or two on the board.  Graham managed to turn his 3 catches into 8 whole yards.
- Jamison Crowder, WR – sprouts – -1 pt – Crowder was one of only 4 players to finish with negative points this week.


RANDOM THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Is a group of squids called a squad?


BEST BENCH
With as few points as were scored this week, there were not many points left on the bench.  But with a 37-point improvement possibility, the Week 1 Best Bench belongs to… American BadAss!!  Jason basically needed to swap out his pass catchers:  S. Diggs for D. Adams (+17), A. Thielen for T. Pryor Sr. (+12) and J. Witten for J. Reed (+8).

Next week will be a full length write up with a check on the All Unwanteds, esoteric jokes and everything else.  Get those waiver claims in and get ready for Week 2!