Week 5 wrapped in latex!

Giddyup!!  Vandelay Industries imported a full can of whoop ass to take the High Score Prize for Week 5!   The San Diego trio (Rivers, Woodhead and Gates) combined for 38 points, but the big boosts for Louis this week came from the 49ers Defense (23 points) and T.Y. Hilton who went off for 26 points.  Vandelay Industries gets extra props this week for having an optimal line-up!  Well done sir!  The victory moves Vandelay Industries into 6th place, which of course would be the final playoff spot if the playoffs were to start this week.  There are currently 5 teams at 2-3, three teams at 3-2, one at 1-4, and at the top of the heap is Channel 4 News Team with the unblemished 5-0 record.  So there are 8 teams within 1 game of each other after five weeks...talk about parity!  That bodes well for everyone’s chances on making it into the playoffs!  But of course, only six teams will make it in, and I’ve got my picks below…

First, some quick observations…


BIG TIME FOOTBALL
-Tony Romo, QB – BoomGoesTheDynamite – 43 pts – Fantasy-wise, Romo was the best this weekend (506 yards, 5 TD’s).  Reality-wise, he is one of the worst quarterbacks to ever put on a helmet.  It is comical now how predictable it is for Romo to throw an interception, cough up a fumble, or throw to a receiver two yards short of the first down when on the game’s final drive.  As sure as the sun will rise in the morning, Romo will f**k it up.
-Peyton Manning, QB – sprouts – 39 pts – On the other side of the universe from Tony Romo is Mr. Manning.  He continued his backhanded slap of the rest of the league by putting up 414 yards, 4 TD’s and 1 rushing TD.  He is now averaging, averaging!, 32.8 points per game.  Unbelievable.
-Alshon Jeffery, WR – Free Agent – 30 pts – Out of nowhere this guy scored 20 points last week, and now 30 points this week courtesy of 218 yards receiving and a touchdown.
-T.Y. Hilton, WR – Vandelay Industries – 26 pts – Tyrone’s Youngin’ went for 140 yards and 2 scores on only five catches.  That’s getting it done!

WHAT IN THE WHA???
-Tom Brady, QB – Joe’s Pats – 5 pts – First time in 52 games that Brady has not thrown a touchdown.
-Lamar Miller, RB – sprouts – 1 pt – Only 15 yards on 7 carries for Miller.


ESOTERIC JOKE OF THE WEEK
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”


PLAYOFFS? DON’T TALK ABOUT PLAYOFFS!  PLAYOFFS?!
We are five weeks into the season and three teams have a record of 3-2, and five teams have a record of 2-3.  Not surprisingly, these two records are the two most common records at this point in the season, having occurred 19 and 16 times, respectively.  A record of 5-0 has occurred 4 times, and 1-4 has happened 6 times.

So it is time to get to my picks for the teams that will make it to the playoffs this season… first is Channel 4 News Team.  A 5-0 record has a qualification percentage of 75%, so Timmy is the odds-on favorite to make it in.  The record of 3-2 has qualification percentage of 68%, so that is roughly 2 out of 3.  Given that there are three teams with that record, I am predicting that two of those will make it in.  The two I’m picking are the Midnight Maulers and sprouts.

For my final three picks, I’m taking American BadAss, Vandelay Industries and Butkus’ Dick.  A 2-3 record has a qualification percentage of 50%, so I’m going against the odds here just a bit taking 3 of 5 teams.  But those three teams have outscored all the others to this point, so that is why I picked them.

To recap, my six teams picked to make it to the playoffs:  Channel 4 News Team, sprouts, Midnight Maulers, American BadAss, Vandelay Industries and Butkus’ Dick.  I'll probably be lucky to get half of those correct...


BEST BENCH
The Best Bench winner this week won it by a landslide… not surprising when you have a player on your bench score 43 points!  So this week’s winner is – BoomGoesTheDynamite!  With only two roster moves, Jens could have improved his point total by 48 points!  T. Romo for C. Kaepernick (+34 pts) and R. Rice for T. Richardson (+14 pts).


Get ready for Week 6!  Can we really be only 2 weeks away from midterms?