Unbeaten no more! The last unbeaten team, American BadAss, suffered their first loss of the season falling to the Wyld Ass Monkeys 110-89, putting their record at 4-1. Still a 4-0 start was the best start to a season in the last four years, where we last time we saw something better was when sprouts opened the 2020 season at 5-0. (Last season the best starting record was 3-0, and in 2022, the best was just 2-0. Haha!) The best record to start the season still stands at 6-0, which has been accomplished four times...most recently in 2013 by Timmy's Channel 4 News Team. (The other 6-0 starts were Midnight Maulers in 2007, Sofa King Good in 2010 and Moves Like Jagger in 2011).
The big congrats for Week 5 go to Mr. Jens Bolleyer’s Big Sack No TDs, who dominated the King en route to a 118-68 victory and the highest score of the week! Jens had big games from Lamar Jackson (32 pts), DJ Moore (22 pts), the Denver Defense (20 pts), plus had 14 points from his kicker (Harrison Butker) and got 13 points both from Brian Robinson Jr., and Isaiah Likely. This is the 2nd Weekly High Score for BSNTD, after splitting it in Week 3. Also this win makes Big Sack the highest scoring team in the league with 487 points! Nice work Jensy!
In other league happenings, the scoring has returned as four teams cracked triple digits in Week 5. The North and South divisions are tied in total wins (12), and the North division leads in total points (2,152 to 2,120). But most importantly, Week 5 means it is time for the way too early playoff predictions! Let’s do this!
BIG TIME MAN!
- Kirk Cousins, QB – Big Sack No TDs – 37 pts – Huge game from Capt. Kirk as he threw 58 passes, completing 42 for a whopping 509 yards and 4 TDs! He did have one interception, which actually isn’t too bad considering how many times he threw it.
- Joe Burrow, QB – Wyld Ass Monkeys – 36 pts – Burrow had his best game this season by far, racking up 392 yards and 5 TDs! He also had one interception as the only black mark on his day.
- Ja’Marr Chase, WR – Wyld Ass Monkeys – 34 pts – The Ravens couldn’t cover Chase as he caught 10 passes for 193 yards and 2 TD’s. He is now the top scoring wide receiver in fantasy.
- Lamar Jackson, QB – Big Sack No TDs – 32 pts – So much offense in the Ravens-Bengals game… Jackson threw for 348 yards and 4 TDs, plus rushed for 55 yards. No interceptions for him either. Lamar is now averaging 23.8 ppg, making him the top scoring player in all of fantasy.
- Joe Flacco, QB – Free Agent – 29 pts – Flacco seems like he should have been in the announcers booth or coach’s box 5 years ago, but would you believe he is actually a year younger than Aaron Rodgers? He's also playing way better than him.
COME ON MAN
- Jauan Jennings, WR – Luck of the Irish – 1 pt – A single catch for 13 yards was all he got this week.
- Deebo Samuel, WR – Sofa King – 1 pts – Deebo didn’t have it this week receiving (just 1 catch for 11 yards) or rushing (3 attempts for only 9 yards). Yeesh.
- Blake Grupe, K – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts – This worthless sack of shit gets a primetime game on a Monday night and misses an extra point?! Puh-thet-ic.
- Taysom Hill, TE – J LUV U LONG TIME – 0 pts – He was declared out due to a rib injury, before the game started. (Shawn was apparently scraping the bottom of the barrel this week, as 7 of 8 of his bench players were either out or on a bye week.)
ESOTERIC JOKE OF THE WEEK
Have you heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet.
PLAYOFFS?! DON’T TALK ABOUT PLAYOFFS!
The Week 5 Playoff Predictions first appeared during the 2013 season, and since then the process has been honed and refined. Perfection was achieved in 2020 when all six teams predicted to make the playoffs qualified. Since then things have gotten a bit rockier, with only 4 of 6 predictions being correct in 2021 and 2022, and then the wheels coming off last season when only 3 of 6 picks were correct. But I plan to get back to perfection this year!
Teams are rated on four categories to determine playoff qualification likelihood: win/loss record, points scored, upcoming schedule difficulty and utilization. Amongst all these categories, there is only one sure thing… that being the highest scoring team through the first five weeks of the season has always qualified for the playoffs. This season, the highest scoring team so far is Big Sack No TDs, so Jens, you are the first team I’m picking to make the playoffs.
The second highest scoring team is nearly as automatic, qualifying 88.2% of the time. At this point, second place in scoring is J LUV U LONG TIME. Shawn also has the 3rd easiest upcoming schedule, and ranks 4th in utilization, so he is my second pick.
American BadAss holds the best overall record, 4-1, which has qualified 80% of the time. This, combined with BadAss having the easiest remaining schedule make Jason my third pick.
My Scottish Rebels currently rank 3rd in scoring, which has qualified 72.2% of the time. Also, surprisingly, I’m currently ranked 2nd in utilization, so I’m picking my Rebels as the fourth team.
For the two wild cards, I’m picking sprouts and Wyld Ass Monkeys. Russ is tied for 2nd best record (3-2) and Rob currently ranks #1 in Utilization. Thus, this means the four teams I’m picking to miss out on the playoffs this season are: NASCAR Café Honey Mustard, Luck of the Irish, Sofa King and Joe’s No Pats.
Still a lot of season left, so we'll see how it plays out...
BEST BENCH
Best Benches are being well distributed this year. Five weeks of games and we have our 5th different Best Bench winner! Also, this week’s winner was the lowest of the season, as everyone had solid roster management (or a lot of players on bye weeks). With just a 20-point-improvement-possibility, the Week 5 Best Bench goes to… Sofa King!!
Only two roster moves to get there: B. Thomas Jr. for D. Samuel Jr. +17 and A. Cooper for M. Harrison Jr. +3. (James has nearly cornered the market on “Jr” players.) This is Sofa King’s first Best Bench this season, and is his first since Week 13 last season.
Alright, those of you I picked to make the playoffs go prove me right! And those who I picked to miss, go prove me wrong!
Get those waivers in and get ready for Week 6!
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