Joe’s Pats makes it two out of three! For the first (and only) time this season, we had a score in the triple digits as Joe laid the lumber on Young Guns pulling off an impressive 116-63 victory. Joe had huge games from Todd Gurley (32 pts), Brandin Cooks (27 pts) and Rob Gronkowski (14 pts), and even had his kicker post 19! (Matt Prater had four field goals including 2 from 50+, and 2 PAT’s). Well done Joe!
In the league standings, we are down to only one undefeated team and one winless team. Shawn’s Coors Light Drunk Guys are the cream of the crop, leading the way at 3-0, while my Rebels can’t pull their stupid f-ing heads out of their stupid f-ing asses and are the bottom feeders at 0-3. (As any good manager should, I place all of the blame on my players and accept no criticism for myself). Shawn has a tough one this week, going up against Joe’s Pats… a matchup pitting the top 2 teams against each other, and the only teams to claim High Score Prizes thus far. Joe’s Pats lead the league in scoring, averaging 98 ppg, while the Drunks are only averaging 83, so it looks like the Pats are the favorites. But based on what we’ve seen from the NFL this year, anything can happen. (Case in point – How do the Jaguars defeat the Ravens 44-7?!)
This week we’ll see if the All Unwanteds were able to stay undefeated, call out a big WTF for the NFL, and find out if there was an all-time record Best Bench.
Onward!
THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT
-Tom Brady, QB – TwoFuckingKickers – 38 pts – Brady’s magic continues… he finished this game with 378 yard and 5 TD’s which means over the last 2 games he has 825 yards and 8 TD’s. That there is a full season of stats for Josh McCown.
-Russell Wilson, QB – Scottish Rebels – 35 pts – After two pedestrian weeks, Wilson exploded for 373 yards and 4 TD’s against the Titans. The 373 yards is a career high for Wilson, and he got there by completing 29 of 49 passes. That is straight up slinging it!
-Stefon Diggs, WR – American BadAss – 32 pts – Pop quiz – Who is the top scoring wide receiver in fantasy? If you guessed Stefon Diggs you probably cheated. After this monster performance he has 55 points, 11 better than 2nd place Antonio Brown.
-Todd Gurley, RB – Joe’s Pats – 32 pts – Gurley’s 2017 season is shaping up to be a lot better than his 2016 season. He found the endzone 3 times this week, giving him 6 TD’s for the season which is the same amount he had all of last year.
-Kirk Cousins, QB – Glory Days – 29 pts – Solid game for Cousins, with 365 yards, 3 TD’s and only 5 incompletions (25 of 30).
-Kareem Hunt, RB – Bubble Craps Bandits – 27 pts – Hunt is on a mission. He’s averaging 8.53 yards per carry and is on pace for 2,138 rushing yards which would break Eric Dickerson’s single season record. This week he added 172 yards and a TD. He is the top RB in fantasy, and it’s not even close… he has 88 points while #2 Todd Gurley has 69.
-Chris Thompson, RB – Scottish Rebels – 27 pts – Two Rebels in the top scorers for the week? Surely one of them was in the starting line up…
-Brandin Cooks, WR – Joe’s Pats – 27 pts – You knew it was only a matter of time until Brady and Cooks got going big time. Brady found Cooks five times on Sunday for 131 yards and 2 TD’s, with the second being the game winner.
COME ON MAN!
-Julius Thomas, TE – sprouts – 1 pt – Much like how Drew Brees made Jimmy Graham look like a quality tight end, I’m pretty sure Peyton Manning did the same thing for this guy.
-Marshawn Lynch, RB – American BadAss – 1 pt – “Beast Mode”? More like “Least Mode”! (See what I did there?) The Raiders only managed 128 yards of total offense, and Lynch didn’t do much to help. He finished with only 18 yards on 6 carries.
-Jay Ajayi, RB – Young Guns – 1 pt – Ajayi averaged a paltry 1.45 yards per carry, compiling a pathetic 16 yards on 18 carries. Yuck.
-Justin Tucker, K – Young Guns – 1 pt – It’s the kiss of death for a kicker to be highly projected going into the season. Tucker came in as the #2 ranked kicker and currently ranks 27th.
-Kyle Rudolph, TE – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts – The Vikings have 369 passing yards and yet Rudolph only accounts for 1 catch for 4 yards? I mean shit…
-Hunter Henry, TE – Glory Days – 0 pts – It’s hard to score points when you don’t actually touch the ball.
-Carolina, DEF – Glory Days – 0 pts – The Panthers had 1 sack en route to giving up 34 points.
-Travis Kelce, TE – Bubble Craps Bandits – 0 pts – One catch for one yard. Um no.
-Tampa Bay, DEF – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 0 pts – No help from defenses this week.
-Terrance West, RB – sprouts – 0 pts – The Jaguars dominated the Ravens, holding West to only 26 yards plus a lost fumble. Really weird to say "The Jaguars dominated..."
-Jack Doyle, TE – TwoFuckingKickers – -1 pt – Doyle’s crappy day (2 catches for 16 yards) was made even worse by losing a fumble.
-Seattle, DEF – sprouts – -1 pt – See what I mean?
RANDOMNESS OF THE WEEK #1
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
WTF NFL?
The Detroit Lions are trailing the Falcons by 4 points in the closing seconds of the game. After a couple plays to get down near the goal line, Stafford throws a short slant pass to Golden Tate who dives into endzone and the refs signal touchdown. With only 8 seconds left on the clock, this looks like it’s going to be the game winner! Then the NFL’s scoring review process kicked in. Inexplicably they call Tate down at the half yard line. I’ve watched the replay multiple times, and I just do not see Tate being down prior to crossing the goal line. But in any event, the play happened on 3rd down, so you figure the Lions have one last chance to try to punch it in and pull off an upset. I mean, there were still 8 seconds on the clock. But no, the referee ruled that because the clock was running when they went into review that there is a mandatory 10 second runoff. And so this is how the game ended!
Really NFL, this is how you want to end games? Not with an exciting catch at the goal line with 8 seconds left IN FRONT OF A HOME CROWD, but with a replay review leading to a call reversal and a mandatory clock run off? WTF NFL?
THEY PROBABLY WEREN’T DRAFTED FOR A REASON
Week 3, and the All Unwanteds come in 2-0, facing the Bubble Craps Bandits. Here is the AUW lineup:
| QB | Josh McCown NYJ | 13 |
| RB | Matt Forte NYJ | 2 |
| RB | Tarik Cohen Chi | 9 |
| WR | Jermaine Kearse NYJ | 4 |
| WR | Robby Anderson NYJ | 15 |
| TE | Zach Miller Chi | 1 |
| K | Chandler CatanzaroNYJ | 9 |
| DEF | New York NYJ | 14 |
| TOTAL | 67 |
RANDOMNESS OF THE WEEK #2
Ban pre-shredded cheese – Make America grate again.
The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.
BEST BENCH
As I’ve said before, if you’re gonna suck you might as well be the best at it. True to form, my Scottish Rebels are dominating the last two weeks. For the second week in a row, my bench improvement (just the freaking improvement) has outscored my starting lineup. Last week I had a 51-point improvement vs. 48 points scored, and now this week I had a 78-point improvement possibility versus 64 points scored. (This ranks as the 4th highest Best Bench of all time. Sprouts holds the record with an 89 point Best Bench way back in Week 2 2009). For my 78 points this week, I needed a near complete roster overhaul with five moves: R. Wilson for C. Wentz +22, J. Howard for CJ Anderson +22, L. Fitzgerald for D. Bryant +13, C. Thompson for E. Elliott +12, C. Hogan for D. Thomas +9. I don’t have backups for TE, K or DEF, so basically every player where I could have made a substitution, I should have made a substitution.
Week 4 is coming up! And my annual playoff predictions are only 2 weeks away (after Week 5)…
