Week 8 - One for the record books!

It was a record setting week!  For the first time in Sacred Sundays history there were six teams that scored over 100 points!  The previous record was five back in Week 4 of 2011.  Unfortunately for Coors Light Drunk Guys and Channel 4 News Team their 102-point performances were both in losing efforts.  But, that was the first time that two teams have scored over 100 points and still lost, so that was another record!  The total points scored in the league this week was 992, which ranks 3rd all-time, behind Week 4-2011 (1,000 points) and Week 2-2007 (993 points).  Among individual players, there were six who scored 30 points or more...I haven’t kept detailed records on player performance long enough to know for sure, but I’ve got to think that that is a record as well.  All told, it was quite a week.

In other news, my Scottish Rebels claimed a second Weekly High Score Prize this week with a beautiful 126-point performance, boosted mainly by Rob Gronkowski and Antonio Brown.  Gronk looked like his dominant self of two years ago, and absolutely thrashed the Bears to the tune of 149 yards and 3 touchdowns for a total of 32 points!  Meanwhile, Antonio Brown has become the top wide receiver in fantasy thanks to an awesome 25-point game (133 yards, 2 TD’s).  It also helped to have a kicker who got a second chance at a game winner after a delay of game penalty, and a defense that scored on a fumble recovery in overtime.  Gotta love that shit!

So this week midterm grades get doled out, and, in this record setting week, did we set a record on the Best Bench as well?  Read on to find out…


YEAH BABY!!
-Ben Roethlisberger, QB – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 47 pts – Big Ben went off and racked up 522 yards and 6 (yes 6!!) touchdown passes.  Here’s a stat for you: There is one quarterback in NFL history to throw 500+ yards in two games…not Peyton Manning, not Drew Brees, not Dan Marino, nope…it’s Ben Roethlis-something.  Crazy.

-Arian Foster, RB – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 38 pts – Foster was a one-man wrecking ball, gashing the Titans for 151 yards and 2 TD’s on the ground, along with 22 yards and 1 TD through the air.  That is just sweet!

-Tom Brady, QB – Sofa King Shit – 37 pts – How crazy is it to throw for 354 yards and 5 touchdowns, and you still aren’t the top quarterback for the week?

-Jeremy Maclin, WR – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 33 pts – Damn Shawn, three players in the top four!?  I hope you had all of these guys active…

-Rob Gronkowski, TE – Scottish Rebels – 32 pts – Gronk smash!  These games are the reason I drafted this guy in the 2nd round.  Boom!!

-Emmanuel Sanders, WR – Joe’s Pats – 30 pts – Sanders was 9-for-9 (targets to receptions) and racked up 120 yards and 3 TD’s.  Between the Thomas brothers (Demaryius and Julius), Wes Welker and now this guy…I mean how many weapons do the Broncos have?


COME ON, MAN
-Jordy Nelson, WR – German Kickers – 2 pts – Since Week 3, Nelson had not scored less than 12 points.  So hopefully this was just a little bump in the road.

-Julius Thomas, TE – sprouts – 2 pts – Perhaps teams are starting to game plan to take Thomas out of the game.  In his first 5 games he had 9 TD’s, and none in his last two games.

-Vincent Jackson, WR – German Kickers – 1 pt – Playing on a terrible Tampa offense is not going to help V-Jax score big.

-Greg Olsen, TE – American BadAss – 1 pt – In spite of a dud this week, Olsen is still the 5th ranked tight end in fantasy.

-Robbie Gould, K – Sofa King Shit – 1 pt – The Bears scored 23 points, but according to the stat line, Gould only made one extra point.  I guess they just started going for two every time when they were down by like 39 points?

-Michael Floyd, WR – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 0 pts – Dude had three deep balls thrown his way, two of which he should have caught.  They pay you to catch those… come on, man!

LEST THEE BE JUDGED
Here we are hallway through the fantasy season, and only five weeks away from the start of the playoffs, so it is time to assess each team and hand out midterm grades.  I started working for Fisher Investments seven months ago, so rather than had out the standard letter grades, I thought I would mix it up and give each team a stock rating.  So let’s get to this!

American BadAss – Jason
The defending champion has been off to a great start this season with a record of 6-2 and two Weekly High Score prizes.
Record – 6-2
Points Scored – 718
Best Value Draft Pick – Kelvin Benjamin, WR – 13th Round – 81 pts
Keepers – Aaron Rodgers, QB – 1st Round – 168 pts;
Demaryius Thomas, WR – 2nd Round – 118 pts
Grade – BUY

Channel 4 News Team – Timmy
Unfortunately, the sixth round pick of Ray Rice has proven to be a wasted pick, and Jimmy Graham didn't play up to his potential prior to being traded to Sofa King Shit.
Record – 2-6
Points Scored – 627
Best Value Draft Pick – Sammy Watkins, WR – 11th Round – 88 pts
Keepers – Jamal Charles, RB – 1st Round – 77 pts;
Jimmy Graham, TE – 3rd Round – 62 pts.
Grade – SELL

Coors Light Drunk Guys – Shawn
Drew Brees as a keeper is never a bad move…drafting Shane Vereen in the 3rd round and Michael Floyd in the 4th round might have been.
Record – 4-4
Points Scored – 675
Best Value Draft Pick – Jeremy Maclin, WR – 7th Round – 101 pts
Keeper – Drew Brees, QB – 1st Round – 131 pts
Grade – HOLD

German Kickers – Jens
Jens wins the award for most team names in a season, and we are only halfway done.  Keep ‘em coming, Jensy!
Record – 4-4
Points Scored – 672
Best Value Draft Pick – Jay Cutler, QB – 5th Round – 148 pts
Worst Draft Pick – Eddie Lacy, RB – 1st Round – 79 pts
Keepers – Andre Ellington, RB – 14th Round – 83 pts;
Michael Crabtree, WR – 15th Round – 47 pts
Grade – HOLD

Joe’s Pats – Joe
Joe went the Patriots-lite route this year, and so far it has been paying off.  He snagged a High Score Prize in Week 3, and if the playoffs started today he would be in.
Record – 4-3-1
Points Scored – 657
Best Value Draft Pick – Russell Wilson, QB – 9th Round – 147 pts
Worst Draft Pick – Doug Martin, RB – 3rd Round – 23 pts
Keepers – LeSean McCoy, RB – 1st Round – 58 pts;
Alshon Jeffery, WR – 15th Round – 71 pts.
Grade – HOLD

I am a Steeler's fan now.

Midnight Maulers – Jamie
Jamie has made only two waivers all season, one of which was finally dropping the back-up kicker.  Philip Rivers was an amazing score in the 11th round.
Record – 3-5
Points Scored – 576
Best Value Draft Pick – Philip Rivers, QB – 11th Round – 164 pts
Keepers – Frank Gore, RB – 1st Round – 57 pts;
Reggie Bush, RB – 3rd Round – 34 pts
Grade – REDUCE

Scottish Rebels – Jerry
Overcoming the loss of Adrian Peterson has been huge, but there is still concern about the running back position.
Record – 6-2
Points Scored – 744
Best Value Draft Pick – Antonio Brown, WR – 3rd Round – 130 pts
Keepers – Adrian Peterson, RB – 1st Round – 8 pts;
Giovani Bernard, RB – 7th Round – 87 pts
Grade – BUY

Sofa King Shit – James
James holds the dubious distinction of having had the most points scored against him so far this season.  Makes it tougher when other teams play their best against you.  Not keeping Calvin Johnson, which seemed crazy at the time, has not been that bad of a move.
Record – 3-5
Points Scored – 655
Best Value Draft Pick – Tom Brady, QB – 3rd Round – 147 pts
Bad Draft Pick – Vernon Davis, TE – 4th Round – 24 pts
Keepers – Le’Veon Bell, RB – 7th Round – 112 pts;
Keenan Allen, WR – 15th Round – 44 pts
Grade – HOLD

sprouts – Russ
What should have been a solid running back core of Montee Ball and Zac Stacy has netted only 59 points so far this season.  Using 2nd and 3rd round picks for those guys hurts the cause.
Record – 2-5-1
Points Scored – 684
Best Value Draft Pick – Randall Cobb, WR – 4th Round – 109 pts
Keepers – Peyton Manning, QB – 1st Round – 169 pts;
Julius Thomas, TE – 13th Round – 83 pts
Grade – SELL

Vandelay Industries – Louis
Stellar keeper production and two Weekly High Score prizes.  Looking mighty fine in the sophomore season.
Record – 5-3
Points Scored – 789
Best Value Draft Pick – Demarco Murray, RB – 2nd Round – 157 pts
Keepers – Andrew Luck, QB – 6th Round – 205 pts;
Matt Forte – 3rd Round – 135 pts
Grade – ACCUMULATE


THE WOEFUL UNDRAFTEDS
Our ragtag group is really struggling with the quarterbacks that they selected…they will really benefit if Jake Locker can ever get back in the game.  Here was this week’s lineup:

QB Jake Locker Ten 0
RB Mark Ingram NO 26
RB Chris Ivory NYJ 16
WR Greg Jennings Min 4
WR Allen Hurns Jax 3
TE Delanie Walker Ten 8
K Minnesota Min 3
DEF Mike Nugent Cin 21
Total – 81
The average score this week was 99.2, so this is yet another loss, dropping them to 1-7 overall.  This is just getting depressing now…


BEST BENCH
Here is an amazing stat – Had this week’s Best Bench winner had in their optimal line-up, they would have scored an astounding 190 points.  The highest single week score ever recorded in Sacred Sunday’s history is 148 points, so that would have annihilated that record.  The record Best Bench was set back in Week 2-2009 by sprouts when they had an 89-point improvement possibility.  Russ is going to hold onto that record, as this week’s winner came up just a baby's breath shy of breaking it.  So, with an 88-point improvement possibility, this week’s Best Bench goes to… the Coors Light Drunk Guys!!  Shawn needed four roster changes to get it done:  J. Maclin for M. Floyd (+33), B. Roethlisberger for D. Brees (+23), M. Ingram for S. Vereen (+22) and the Bills for Broncos (+10).


Next week, with the playoffs drawing closer we will start to look at scenarios and see if my Week 6 playoff predictions are holding true.  Wait, what?  Playoffs?  Playoffs?!?!

No wait, I think I'll stick with the Cowboys...

BadAss once more!

We are nearing the halfway point of the season which means that midterms are almost here!  Midterm grades will be doled out after the conclusion of this week’s games, so make all of your awesome trades, amazing waiver wire pick-ups and ingenious roster moves this week as there is typically a recency bias applied to the grades.  Nearing the halfway point of the season also means that there are only 5 weeks left of the regular season until playoffs start!  With Channel 4 News Team squeaking out a 1-point victory over Vandelay Industries, along with Joe’s Pats and sprouts playing to a tie, the South Division is wide open.  There is only a two game difference between the top and bottom team!  Remember that the top two teams from each division automatically qualify for the playoffs, plus two wildcard spots are given out.  Every year when we have had a tie game, it seems like we have to go to 4th and 5th level tiebreakers on determining wild cards.  So it’s much better to just be a top two team and qualify that way.

The big congratulations this week go out to American BadAss who secured a second Weekly High Score Prize for the season with a dominating 122-90 victory over Sofa King Shit.  BadAss was the only team this week that was able to crack into the triple digits, and for the second week in a row, one of the top three highest scoring teams lost to the highest scoring team (sorry James!).  Jason had a monster game from Demaryius Thomas, 32 points, the 2nd highest single week point total for a wide receiver.  (Thomas, coincidentally, holds the record for most points in a week for a wide receiver with 37 scored in Week 5).  It also doesn’t hurt that Jason has Aaron Rodgers at QB, who is the 4th ranked quarterback in fantasy, and who is averaging 23.8 points/game over the last four weeks.  Nice work bro!

Just a quick update this week as we check in on the Undraftees, get up to date on the “What Do You Know!? Bowl” and award another multi-Best Bench winner.  So…let’s go!!


CHA-CHING!!
-Russell Wilson, QB – Joe’s Pats – 36 pts – Wilson did all he could to win the game (313 passing yards, 2 TD’s, 106 rushing yards, 1 TD), but you can’t overcome a fake punt return.  Any team that successfully executes a play that shouldn’t even exist is destined to win.  If you didn’t see the Rams’ fake punt return, you must Google it and watch it.

-Demaryius Thomas, WR – American BadAss – 32 pts – As mentioned earlier, Thomas holds the record for the highest and second highest weekly scores by a wide receiver this year.  Over the last 3 weeks, he is averaging 29 ppg.  Wow!

-Peyton Manning, QB – sprouts – 28 pts – Really, was there any doubt as to whether or not he would set the TD record this week?  Dude is an absolute machine at scoring points, and trails only Andrew Luck for most points scored this year.

-Sammy Watkins, WR – Channel 4 News Team – 24 pts – I absolutely love this guy’s name.  It just sounds like a professional football player.  Sammy Watkins!  It's a name like 'Shane Falco' that I feel you would only ever hear in a movie.

COME ON, MAN
-Frank Gore, RB – Midnight Maulers – 2 pts – Barely a two yard average, going 9 carries for 20 yards.  Yuck.

-Julius Thomas, TE – sprouts – 2 pts – JT was held out of the endzone for the first time this season.  He was the only player who, up to this point, had scored a touchdown every week.

-Giovani Bernard, RB – Scottish Rebels – 1 pt – Last week Gio got hurt, was in the locker room for like 20 minutes, went back into the game and ended up scoring 21 points.  This week plays the whole game and gets one goddamn point?  What the hell?!

-Heath Miller, TE – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 1 pt – Miller followed up on his impressive 1 point performance last week, with another 1 pointer this week.

-Delanie Walker, TE – Sofa King Shit – 1 pt – Rough week for tight ends…

-Alshon Jeffery, WR – Joe’s Pats – 0 pts – Normally if a guy catches 2 passes, he’ll at least put some points on the board.  Not Alshon!  He’ll catch his two passes and go exactly 9 yards.

-Jordan Cameron, TE – Joe’s Pats – 0 pts – Joe had two blankouts from two of his players this week, and both were active and didn’t get injured!  Cameron only caught 1 ball for 5 yards.  You kidding me?

-San Francisco, DEF – Sofa King Shit -2 pts – It is a topsy turvy week when the lowest scoring defense is the 49ers, while the highest scoring defense is the Jaguars.  What in the hell is going on?

THE SAGA OF THE UNDRAFTEES
It is starting to show why these guys weren’t drafted.  Here is the line-up this week:
QB Derek Anderson Car 5
RB Justin Forsett Bal 9
RB Chris Ivory NYJ 17
WR Allen Hurns Jax 0
WR Steve Smith Sr. Bal 6
TE Dwayne Allen Ind 11
K Matt Bryant Atl 1
DEF Minnesota Min 16
Total 65
The average score for the week was 84.3, so this goes down as yet another loss for these guys, dropping their record to 1-6.  Brutal.  I think for next week, I will swap out Allen Hurns for Greg Jennings to see if a little more production can be gleaned from the wide receiver position.


WHAT DO YOU KNOW!? BOWL
I want to give a little background for those of you who may not know the origin of the “What Do You Know!? Bowl”.  Back in Calle de Salud days (Las Cruces circa 2002-03), Jens and Shawn would just drive each other crazy.  No one ever really knew (or cared) why, it was just one of those things that was how it was.  Out of nowhere, Jens just started saying “What do you know, Shawn?”  (To get the proper delivery of the phrase, it is important to use a slight German accent and really hit the “you”.  And say it really loud.  Something like “WHAT DO YOOOUUU KNOW!?”).  This of course annoyed the hell out of Shawn, only encouraging Jens to do it even more, which made it all the more hilarious.  So then the first time that their teams met in Sacred Sundays, it was dubbed the “What Do You Know!? Bowl”, and has been thusly recognized since.

Here are some historical stats on the game, going back to 2007:
Total Number of Occurrences: 12
Overall Record: 6-6
Total Points Scored: Shawn 1,006; Jens 936
Highest point total scored in the game: 120 points by Jens in Week 13, 2012.
Lowest point total scored in the game: 44 points by Jens in Week 9, 2008.
Largest margin of victory: 48 points when Shawn beat Jens 115-67 in Week 10, 2011.
Most consequential:  The “What Do You Know!? Bowl” has had one occurrence in the playoffs, which came in 2012 in the semi-final round.  Jens won that one 114-102.

This week’s “What Do You Know!? Bowl” was an easy victory for Shawn, who scored 95 points to Jens’ 62.  Jens changed his team name last week to Fantasy Nightmare, which I can only assume was due to having to play Jay Cutler at quarterback and Michael Crabtree at receiver.  Yes, that is a nightmare.


BEST BENCH
The winner of this week’s Best Bench award gets some credit for not being as bad as their first time, but then loses that credit for taking the award two weeks in a row.  So with a 28-point improvement possibility this time, this week’s Best Bench goes to… Joe’s Pats!!  Joe needed only four roster moves this week:  A. Gates for J. Cameron (+12), E. Sanders for A. Jeffery (+10), T.Y. Hilton for J. Jones (+5) and Steelers for Patriots (+1).


Bring on Week 8!!

Week 6 - Vandelay back on top!

Vandelay, Van-de-lay, Vandelay, Vand-uh-ley… however you say it, what an awesome performance!  In the highest scoring game of the season, Vandelay Industries managed to top sprouts’ 110 points by posting the 2nd highest score of the year, 122 points.  They did it with terrific performances from Matt Forte (27 pts), Andrew Luck (26 pts) and Demarco Murray (20 pts).  (Luck and Murray, coincidentally, are the top QB and RB in fantasy).  Vandelay Industries becomes the first team to win a second Weekly High Score Prize this year.  This extends Vandelay’s league leading total points scored to 589, which is 36 points ahead of the next closest team.  Way to go, Louis!!

Tough break for sprouts being the second highest scoring team of the week, but running into a buzz saw.  Scoring 110 points in a loss ranks as the 7th highest score in a loss in Sacred Sundays league history.  James holds the record for highest score in a loss, having scored 118 in a losing effort last year.  Really goes to show what a crucial factor scheduling can be.  More stats on point scoring below.

Now regarding the league standings, that gentle hum you hear in the distance is the Fantasy gods chanting “oohhmm”, as we have achieved a perfect balance.  There is one team at 5-1, one team at 1-5…two teams at 4-2, two teams at 2-4…and four teams at 3-3.  The yin and the yang are perfectly aligned.  The moon is in the Seventh House, and Jupiter has aligned with Mars.  This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius!

Onward!


THE GOOD ONES
-Tom Brady, QB – Sofa King Mediocre – 33 pts – Just when everyone thinks that Tom Brady is washed-up and can’t throw a football, he goes and does something like this.  And TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF!

-Cam Newton, QB – Channel 4 News Team – 33 pts – Teams want their best player carrying the football, and if you have Cam Newton on your team, he is probably your best player.  Cam rattled off 107 yards and a TD on 17 carries, plus had 284 passing yards and 2 TD’s.

-Joe Flacco, QB – Free Agent – 32 pts – It didn’t take long for Flacco to start putting up points as he threw 4 touchdowns in the first quarter!  Finished with 5 for the game, which is actually a bit of a letdown when you figure he was on pace for 16.

-T.Y. Hilton, WR – Joe’s Pats – 31 pts – Tyrone’s Youngin’ was 9-for-9 on targets to receptions, and finished with 223 yards and a touchdown.  Quarterbacks gotta love a receiver who catches every ball they throw his way…

-Colin Kaepernick, QB – American BadAss – 28 pts – The 49ers were looking like they might get shut down until Kaepernick hit Brandon Lloyd on an 80-yard touchdown pass.  After that, the Rams pretty much rolled over and let Kaep eat ‘em up for 343 yards passing and 3 TD’s.

-Matt Forte, RB – Vandelay Industries – 27 pts – Three straight 100-yard games and his fourth on the season.  Forte is the 3rd ranked back in Fantasy through 6 weeks.

-Andrew Luck, QB – Vandelay Industries – 26 pts – It must be something about having a horseshoe on your helmet that makes you score tons of fantasy points.  Luck is the overall point leader thus far, having scored 157 points which is 26 points more than the next closest (Philip Rivers).

-Aaron Rodgers, QB – American BadAss – 25 pts – Here’s a stat for you…Rodgers has thrown 14 touchdowns and one interception in his last five games.  Damn!

-Jay Cutler, QB – Fantasy Nightmare – 25 pts – Cutler racked up 381 yards passing (his career high as a Bear), yet somehow only threw one touchdown pass.

-Arian Foster, RB – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 25 pts – If Foster can stay healthy he is dangerous.  In his four healthy games this season, he has four 100-yard games.  This week he had 141 total yards (109 rushing, 32 receiving) plus two touchdowns.  Uh yeah, I’ll take it.

-Philip Rivers, QB – Midnight Maulers – 25 pts – Were it not for Andrew Luck having a monster of a season, Rivers would be the toast of the town.  Get this, he has 15 touchdown passes to only 2 interceptions.


COME ON, MAN
-Chargers, DEF – Scottish Rebels – 1 pt – Gave up 28 points to the Raiders?  Really?  The Oakland Raiders?  What in the hell...

-Jeremy Maclin, WR – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 1 pt – After having at least 10 targets per game for the first five games, Maclin only saw the ball come his way  three times on Sunday.

-Heath Miller, TE – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 1 pt – Miller only has one touchdown on the season thus far.  Clearly he didn’t add to that total this week.

-Shayne Graham, K – Joe’s Pats – 0 pts – Hard for a kicker to score points when his team ain’t playin’!  Check your roster Joe!

-Niles Paul, TE – Midnight Maulers, 0 pts – Two weeks in a row of zero points is not a good trend to be on.

-Travis Kelce, TE – Channel 4 News Team – 0 pts – Timmy refuses to drop any Kansas City Chiefs players even if it means playing a bye-week tight end.  That is commitment!


SAFETY IN (HIGHER) NUMBERS
Scoring over 100 points in a given week is a good way to earn your team a victory.  Through Week 5, the triple-digit mark had been eclipsed 10 times, with all 10 of those teams securing a victory.  This week, four more teams accomplished this, but unfortunately sprouts did so in a losing effort, falling to Vandelay Industries 122-110.

The historic win percentage of scoring over 100 points is 88.1% for Sacred Sundays.  Going back to 2007, 100 or more has been scored 236 times, with only 28 of those being on the losing end of a matchup.  This season is ahead of that, with a 92.9% win percentage.  And as mentioned earlier, sprouts 110 points ranks as the 7th most points scored in a loss…

GOD LOVES THREE-POINTERS
In a recent interview, NBA star Jeremy Lin talked about how he didn’t cash in nearly as much as he could have during the “Linsanity” craze that took off while he was with the New York Knicks.  He explained, “We’ve turned away almost everything, just because I do think my purpose is to play basketball, play well, and play for the glory of God.”  God does love Himself some 3-balls!  Hallelujah!


THE BALLAD OF THE UNDRAFTEDS
Struggles continue for the Undrafteds this week as neither one of their quarterbacks scored a point.  Here is this week’s lineup:
Jake Locker Ten 0
Justin Forsett Bal 11
Isaiah Crowell Cle 11
Allen Hurns Jax 1
Steve Smith Sr. Bal 17
Dwayne Allen Ind 4
Matt Bryant Atl 11
Philadelphia Phi 21
Total - 76
The average score in the league was 85.8, so this is another loss, dropping them to 1-5 on the year.


BEST BENCH
It really wasn’t even a close one this week.  The winner of the Best Bench this week pretty much guessed wrong up and down their line-up, with five (yes FIVE!) roster changes.  That team is…Joe’s Pats!!  Yessir, Joe could’ve improved his line-up by 52 by swapping T.Y. Hilton for E. Sanders (+28 pts), J. Cameron for A. Gates (+8), A. Jeffery for J. Jones (+7), B. Pierce for S. Ridley (+7) and M. Ryan for R. Wilson (+2).  Joe’s 52-point improvement is the highest recorded this season…so far.


Time to get ready for Week 7!  Only one week away from mid-terms!!

Doubling Up...Weeks 4 & 5

What a difference a week can make…in Week 4, my Rebels played like warrior poets and logged the highest score of the season in the process of tying the record for the 2nd largest margin of victory in Sacred Sundays history.  From top to bottom, my Rebels dominated in putting together a 133-48 victory over Joe’s Pats.  (The largest margin of victory, a.k.a. biggest bitch slap, was done by Channel 4 News Team when they defeated BoomGoesTheDynamite in Week 6 last year by a score of 140-44).  Now fast forward only one week, and my guys play like UTEP dropouts, only managing half as many points (literally) as in Week 4.  !Que lastima!

The congratulations this week go to our defending champion, American BadAss who were one of only two teams able to crack into triple digits this week.  Jason got massive production from Demaryius Thomas (37 points) and the Philly defense (23 points) en route to a big 118-60 victory over the Midnight Maulers.  The victory moves BadAss to 4-1 on the season, the league’s best record!  This also marks the 5th different Weekly High Score winner in as many weeks, which marks the first time since 2009 that that has happened.  Congratulations bro!  Nice work!

So we are five weeks into the season which means that it is time for my playoff predictions!  I have enhanced my prediction methodology this season, and am confident that I will go 6-for-6 with my picks.  For those teams that are predicted to be in, congratulations!... for those that didn’t make the cut, well, just look at my track record for picking the winners of games this season.  (Hint – It is not good…)  Full details on all of this below.  But first, some quick hits…


THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
-Demaryius Thomas, WR – American BadAss – 37 pts – Monster game from Thomas where he caught 8 passes for 226 yards and 2 touchdowns.  Now that is what you call a keeper!

-Russell Wilson, QB – Joe’s Pats – 34 pts – Gotta love it when your quarterback gets a rushing touchdown.  Gotta love it even more when that same quarterback adds 122 yards rushing!  Say what?! Yep, Wilson totaled 323 total yards (201 passing, 122 rushing) and had 2 passing TD’s to go along with the one rushing one.  That, my friends, is a complete game.

-Peyton Manning, QB – sprouts – 34 pts – Peyton on the other hand did all of his damage from behind the line of scrimmage.  Literally…he had -2 yards rushing for the game.  But that is okay when you throw for 479 yards (career high for Peyton) and 4!!! touchdowns.

-Arian Foster, RB – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 31 pts – Looks like Arian still has some gas in the tank.

-Austin Davis, QB – Free Agent – 29 pts – Without looking it up, I will give a nickel to anyone who knows where this guy plays quarterback.

-Brandon Oliver, RB – Free Agent – 29 pts – Same with this guy.

-Andre Ellington, RB – Jens – 26 pts – Quite a day for Ellington, getting 144 total yards (32 rushing, 112 receiving) and adding both a rushing and receiving touchdown.

-Stephen Gostkowski, K – sprouts – 21 pts – Have to give props to kickers scoring over 20 points… Gostkowski was a perfect 5-for-5 on figgies, plus added four extra points.

-Phil Dawson, K – Midnight Maulers – 20 pts – What the hell?? Two kickers broke the 20-point barrier?  Nutso.  Dawson did it by nailing 2 field goals of 50+ yards, along with three others and an extra point.


COME ON, MAN!
-Roddy White, WR – Midnight Maulers – 2 pts – White predicted earlier in the week that he was going to score a touchdown against the Giants.  Perhaps he meant next season?

-Steve Smith, Sr., WR – Scottish Rebels – 1 pt – Only 32 yards on the day, and a lost fumble left Steve with one goddamn point.

-Martellus Bennett, TE – Jens – 1 pt – After two big weeks, 17 and 13 points, Bennett was non-existent, catching 3 balls for only 17 yards.

-Arizona, DEF – Jens – 1 pt – Tough matchup playing at Denver, but this one was so bad that I’m actually surprised the Arizona D stayed on the positive side of zero.

-Kelvin Benjamin, WR – American BadAss – 1 pt – A lost fumble cost Benjamin 2 points in what was otherwise a really crappy performance.

PLAYOFFS?!  DON’T TALK ABOUT PLAYOFFS!
It is never too early to start thinking about the playoffs.  As a quick refresher, the top 6 teams in the league after Week 13 will qualify for the playoffs which run in Weeks 14, 15 and 16.  The top team in each division receives a first round bye, the second place team in each division receives an automatic entry and the last two spots are awarded to wildcard teams.  I will put out a refresher on the tiebreakers as we get closer to crunch time.

For now it is time for me to make my predictions on which teams will make it in.  Under a completely new forecasting methodology, I am examining team records as well as points scored.  Basically seeing how the team ranking of points scored through five weeks impacts playoff qualification.  One interesting factoid that I came across was that going all the way back to 2007, the highest scoring team through the first 5 weeks has always qualified for the playoffs but has never won the championship.  This season, the highest scoring team through five weeks is Vandelay Industries (466 points), so they are my first pick to make it to the playoffs.  (But they're gonna have to fight history to win it all).

My second pick to make it to the playoffs this year is my Scottish Rebels.  My Rebels are 2nd in total scoring with 457 points, and have a win-loss record of 3-2.  Teams that are second in scoring after 5 weeks have also qualified for the playoffs every year, and teams with a 3-2 record make it in 72.7% of the time.  My third pick to make it in is Joe’s Pats.  Joe is 5th in scoring, but interestingly, teams in 5th place have qualified 75% of the time, plus Joe’s record of 3-2 has a 72.7% qualification rate.  My fourth team to make it is American BadAss.  BadAss’ 4-1 record has a 75% playoff qualification rate, and being the 4th highest scoring team qualifies 57% of the time.

The fifth team predicted to make it in is Where’s Shawn’s Wallet/ Down Goes Jason/ SofaKingStupid/ PappaNobleJr2/ BeatsByRay/ BradyGaga/ Lovin the Bye Week or WSWDGJSKSPNJBBRBGLBW for short.  WSWDGJSKSPNJBBRBGLBW ranks 3rd in total scoring which has a 57% playoff qualification rate.  Not great, but it’s a higher percentage than any of the other remaining teams.  That leaves five teams with only one spot left.

In looking historically at points scored through five weeks, the team with the lowest point total has only qualified 33% of the time.  So with Channel 4 News Team currently holding that distinction, I’m going to say that they don’t make it in.  With the four remaining teams, it is literally a coin flip on who could make it in, so that is exactly what I did.  By virtue of a coin flip showdown, my final team predicted to make it in is: sprouts.

Signed, sealed, delivered, there are my picks for playoff entrants this season: Vandelay Industries, Scottish Rebels, Joe’s Pats, American BadAss, Jens and sprouts.


ALL UNWANTEDS STRUGGLES CONTINUE
We’ve gone two weeks without an update on the All Unwanteds.  Here is how they fared in Week 4:
Derek Anderson Car 2
Justin Forsett Bal    15

Chris Ivory NYJ 9
Allen Hurns Jax 6
Steve Smith Sr. Bal  25
Dwayne Allen Ind 9
Matt Bryant Atl 4
Minnesota Min 6
TOTAL = 76
With the average league score of 85.4, this went down as another loss for the boys.

In Week 5, here is what happened:
Jake Locker Ten 16
Justin Forsett Bal 15
Chris Ivory NYJ 4
Allen Hurns Jax 2
Steve Smith Sr. Bal 1
Dwayne Allen Ind 11
Matt Bryant Atl 8
Philadelphia Phi 23
TOTAL = 80
They got a lot closer this week, but with an average league score of 83.4, this was yet another loss.  The All Unwanteds now have a record of 1-4.


BEST BENCH
We have had great parity on the Weekly High Score Prizes this year with five different teams claiming a prize through the first five weeks.  But for the Best Bench, we have our first multiple winner!  So now, for the second time this year, the Best Bench Award goes to…sprouts!  Russ could have improved his point total this week by 36 points with three roster moves: D. Jackson for B. Cooks +18, S. Jackson for M. Ball +11, and B. Tate for Z. Stacy +7.


Get those waivers in, and get ready for Week 6!  Only two weeks away from mid-term grades… yikes!!