Lords of Lumberg Lay the Lumber!

Seven weeks of the season have already been completed… it’s hard to believe! At last, the mighty king has fallen as James was delivered his first lost this week at the hands of the Midnight Maulers. And did you see the score that the Lords of Lumberg posted this week? Timmy overcame a pathetic 3-point performance from Miles Austin and posted the highest tally this year with a whopping 133 points! He got a major boost by having the Matt Ryan/Roddy White connection that accounted for 58 points of his total. Mmmm….yeah.

Last week, Week 6, saw two teams battle it out for the high score prize… and as luck would have it, those two teams were playing each other. The Midnight Maulers broke into triple digits and posted a 102 that would have beaten any other team that week, but sprouts had a huge game from Jeremy Maclin and Matt Schaub, and rang up a total of 118 points! Nice job Russ!!

So this week I propose my solution to excessive endzone celebrations, dole out two Best Bench awards, and explore the history of the negative political ad… (I don’t want to give too much away, but the phrase “half-breed Indian squaw” will be used!) But first, some observations:

BIG TIME FOOTBALL

Darren McFadden, RB – SOFA KING GOOD – 46 pts – Yeah, James’ team name pretty much sums up McFadden’s performance this week. He was so fahking good!! In all he had 165 yards rushing, 31 yards receiving and 4 touchdowns! James, you probably want to put him in now… lol

Kenny Britt, WR – Free Agent – 43 pts – Amazing but a free agent was the second highest scoring player this week, and is tied for third among wide receivers. I’ll give you one guess as to how long he stays a free agent.

Roddy White, WR – Lords of Lumberg – 35 pts – White leads all receivers with 105 points, which is a solid average of 15 points per game.

Carson Palmer, QB – Midnight Maulers – 31 pts – Palmer put up 412 yards passing and three TD’s, and the Bengals still lost to Atlanta by 7.

Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB – American BadAss – 31 pts – This guy has been on a tear, as he has gone for 20, 20, and now 31 points in his last three outings.

Lee Evans, WR – Free Agent – 28 pts – Well someone had to catch all the passes that Fitzpatrick was throwing.

Michael Turner, RB – Tailgate Approved – 26 pts – Turner broke through the 100-yard mark for the third time this year and added two touchdowns.

Dez Bryant, WR – American BadAss – 25 pts – The one true bright spot in what was otherwise a very, very dark Monday night game was Dez Bryant’s punt return touchdown. It was a thing of beauty! He might be the fastest human on the planet.

SUCKY

Matt Prater, K – sprouts – 2 pts – The Raiders absolutely thumped the Broncos, so it is no surprise Prater didn’t get many opportunities.

Robbie Gould, K – Midnight Maulers – 2 pts – In spite of Cutler’s best efforts to keep Chicago moving the opposite direction, Gould still managed two points.

Tony Gonzalez, TE – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 2 pts – Tony only managed 27 yards against Cincinnati. Good number, but bad yardage total.

Ryan Mathews, RB – SOFA KING GOOD – 1 pt – Here is a quote from Yahoo: “It's too early to declare Mathews an NFL bust, but it seems to have reached that point as it pertains to the 2010 fantasy season.” Yeah, that sums it up pretty well…

Roy Williams, WR – Tailgate Approved – 0 pts – I watched the whole game and I swear I did not see Roy Williams once. But apparently according to the official stat sheets he did play… go figure.

EXCESSIVE CELEBRATION RANT

If there was any doubt left, the NFL has officially established itself as the “No Fun League” with their continued crackdown on endzone celebrations. For the life of me, I cannot understand why the NFL has such a problem with players celebrating after scoring a touchdown. At the end of the day, sporting events are about entertainment. People will not watch sports if they are not entertaining…just look at the WNBA.

The NFL should adopt a rule that limits players to 15 seconds to do a celebration, provided that it is not obscene or is not directly taunting the opposing team. Within those 15 seconds, players would be free to do whatever they want. This would prevent celebrations from slowing down the flow of the game, and give fans extra entertainment. Do you remember several years ago, before this current prohibition on celebrations, when Steve Smith and the “Wide Receiver Formerly Known as Chad Johnson” would score touchdowns? Everyone was anxious to see what these guys would come up with next! I remember one time Steve Smith pretended the ball was a baby and proceeded to wipe its ass and put a diaper on it! That is freaking hilarious!!! And I mean seriously, would anyone even know the name Ickey Woods, if not for the “Ickey Shuffle”?

Endzone celebrations are as much a part of the NFL as instant replay and cheerleaders. It is high time for the NFL to smile a little bit and let the players (and the fans) have some fun…

NOW THAT’S A PERSONAL ATTACK!

Nowadays, merely calling a political opponent a liar is enough to get labeled as running a negative campaign. But negative ad campaigns have a history that goes back pretty much as far as the founding of this nation.

Check out the war of words that was waged between Thomas Jefferson and President Adams in 1800. Thomas Jefferson's camp accused President Adams of having a “hideous hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.” In return, Adams’ men called Vice President Jefferson “a mean-spirited, low-lived fellow, the son of a half-breed Indian squaw, sired by a Virginia mulatto father.”

I don’t know which is better, “a hideous hermaphroditical character” or “the son of a half-breed Indian squaw”! Yeah, I think I’m going to have to go with the half-breed line… that is just funny stuff! And these guys were the President and Vice-President!

THIS MUST MEAN SOMETHING

San Diego is ranked No. 1 in offense and No. 1 in defense. On the NFL's team stats page four of the six league-leader symbols are for San Diego. Yet the Chargers' record is 2-5.

BEST BENCH

Week 6 saw an occurrence that has been very rarely observed in years past, but has already happened twice this year… the team that claimed the High Score prize also had the Best Bench for the week! Sprouts could have added to his total by 32 points with only two roster changes: D. Bowe for S. Smith (15 pts) and R. Torrain for M. Jones-Drew (17 pts).

For this week, it was not even close… when you have a player on your bench score 46 points, you are probably going to have the Best Bench of the week. So this week it goes to SOFA KING GOOD! James could have improved his point total by 54 points by merely swapping his runningbacks, D. McFadden for R. Mathews (45 pts) and M. Bush for R. Mendenhall (9 pts). While 54 points sounds like a lot, that is still 25 points behind the mark set by my Scottish Rebels in Week 1, were I posted an unprecedented 79 point improvement…

Get ready for Week 8! And don't look now, but we're gonna have to start talking about playoffs soon...

Now that's Tailgate Approved!!

Quite a bit of action this week in the standings! SOFA KING GOOD remained undefeated, the Coors Light Drunk Guys took over the lead in the South, American BadAss finally got their first win, and Tailgate Approved threw down the hammer and logged 121 points to take the High Score Prize for Week 5!!

Jensy overcame a goose egg performance by Anquan Boldin and only 2 points from his tight end to still score the second highest point total of the year! How’d he do it? Well, all 6 remaining players on his team scored double digits and three players on his team scored 25 points or more. Well done Jens!! What do YOU know?!?!

This week I remember some reasons why I love The Hangover, figure out what quantitative easing is all about, and finally put to rest the mystery of the Loch Ness Monster. But first, some observations…

HIGH SCORING HEROES

Matt Forte, RB – Scottish Rebels – 33 pts – Apparently Forte scores 33 points, then does nothing for three weeks, and then scores 33 points again. Lookout Minnesota…we’ve got a date in Week 10!

Malcolm Floyd, WR – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 30 pts – This guy is benefiting big time from the absence of Vincent “Me First” Jackson. He had 213 yards and a touchdown.

Ray Rice, RB – Tailgate Approved – 27 pts – Rice doubled his point total for the season in one game (he had only scored 27 through the first four weeks) and finally looked like the player he was last year. He scorched the Broncos for 133 yards and 2 TD’s. Interesting note – Ray Rice has never run for back-to-back 100 yards games.

Chris Johnson, RB – sprouts – 25 pts – In three of the five games Johnson has played this year, he has scored a total of 75 points. In the other two, he has a total of six. Sounds like he has that Matt Forte disease.

Hakeem Nicks, WR – Tailgate Approved – 25 pts – Nicks leads the league for wide receiver touchdowns with 6. Yeah, I didn’t see that one coming either…

Tony Romo, QB – Tailgate Approved – 25 pts – In spite of 3 interceptions, Romo managed to throw for 406 yards and three touches. But in only four games, he has thrown five interceptions.

BOTTOM FEEDERS

Marion Barber, RB – Frito Pie – 1 pt – Barber really needs to find the endzone, as he has only broken through one time this year. Felix Jones could be replacing him full-time at any point.

Thomas Jones, RB – American BadAss – 1 pt – Days like this are going to become more common for TJ as the Jamaal Charles Era begins in Kansas City.

Dustin Keller, TE – Joe’s Pats – 1 pt – Well he did outscore Rob Gronkowski…but only by 1 point!

Anquan Boldin, WR – Tailgate Approved – 0 pts – Champ Bailey held Boldin to only one catch for 8 yards.

Tim Hightower, RB – Frito Pie – 0 pts – After a hot start scoring 28 points in the first two weeks, Hightower has only managed 6 in the last three games.

Jermichael Finley, TE – American BadAss – 0 pts – I normally don’t include players that were injured in this section… I only bring this one up, because I wanted to point out that Green Bay lost 2 tight ends in this game, and their starter is now Tom Crabtree. How about that for obscure?!

REASON TO LOVE “THE HANGOVER”

# 14 – The line “IN THA FACE!!” I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to use that for the rest of my life whenever someone gets hit in the face with anything.

NOW THEY JUST NEED TO TRADE FOR NDAMUKONG SUH

In addition to having a great defense, the Jets lead the league in nonsensical first names as they now have players named LaDainian and D’Brickashaw.

QUANTITATIVE HOCUS-POCUS

Right now, the Fed is planning another round of “Quantitative Easing”. This is Fed speak for “Printing Money Out of Thin Air”. Using big, fancy, nondescript terms is how the Fed maintains their death grip on our economy. People hear terms like “quantitative easing”, “bilateralism” or “credit default swaps” and are instantly transported back to their sophomore chemistry teacher’s ramblings, and their brains shut down. The Fed loves the fact that no one understands what they are doing, and they continually work to perpetuate the myth that they are smarter than everyone else. No organization in the United States raises its middle finger and laughs at the American people more than the Fed. No organization supports special interest groups more than the Fed. And no organization does more to destroy the United States than the Federal Reserve.

The goal of the Fed’s latest “Rape of the Economy” (that’s what I call quantitative easing) is to give banks more money so that they can start lending. The idea out there right now is that people and businesses aren’t spending money because banks aren’t lending, and banks aren’t lending because they don’t have any money. This is wrong on many levels, but we’ll start with the most obvious.

Do you know why people and businesses aren’t investing and spending money? It’s not because there isn’t enough money in the system (in fact, there is probably too much money in the system)…it’s because no one knows what the tax rates will be in two months!! We are 80 days away from 2011 and Congress still has not settled tax rates for next year. Businesses have to do something called “planning” before they make any large expenditure. It is impossible for businesses to plan and calculate the costs of any project without knowing what the tax implications will be!

The Fed could pump another $37 quadrillion into the economy and it wouldn’t make a lick of difference due to the uncertainty that has been created by the B.O. administration. It is not that the banks don’t have money to lend, it’s that no one wants to borrow in this environment! All that this latest move by the Fed will do is devalue the dollar even further, and make the hole that much harder to crawl out.

You really want to get the economy going and get people back to work?? Drop the corporate income tax rate to zero. Companies would be falling all over themselves from around the world to set up shop in the United States! There would be more jobs than people…

REASON TO LOVE “THE HANGOVER”

# 6 – The doctor in the emergency room when he tells them that the chapel they are looking for is at the corner of “Fuck off” and “Get a map”.

OH NESSIE, YOU’RE NOT A DINOSAUR AFTER ALL…

We’ve all seen the famous photo of the Loch Ness Monster where it looks like a Brontosaurus head of some kind is poking out of the water. Turns out, it was nothing more than an elephant going for a swim. Scientist Neil Clark has speculated that it was not the creature’s head poking out of the water; rather it is the elephant’s trunk. Below is his illustration. Now if we can just find Amelia Earhart, that should just about wrap up all of life's mysteries.

BEST BENCH

One other team gave it a good run, but no one really even came close this week to the impressive display by my Scottish Rebels in taking home the title for Best Bench of Week 5! My point total could have been increased by an amazing 55 points with 4 roster moves: M. Forte for A. Foster (31 points), Bears for Cowboys (20 points), P. Garcon for D. Jackson (3 points) and E. Royal for K. Walter (1 point).

Get your teams ready for Week 6!! Remember, the first round of payouts will be sent out next week!!!

It's Good To Be The King!!

In a relatively low scoring week, James decided that he only wanted to use seven active players and left the injured Andre Johnson in, yet still became the only team to break into triple digits this week! In doing so SOFA KING GOOD claimed a second Weekly High Score Prize in a row!! The King had a giant game from Antonio Gates, who registered 144 yards and two touches, and from Calvin Johnson who added two TD’s himself. With the victory, SOFA KING GOOD claimed the #1 spot in the league as the lone undefeated team. Way to go Cap’n!!!

Hard to believe, but one quarter of the fantasy season has been completed. Here are some things that I have learned so far: Auto-drafting your team is not the best path to success (just ask Jason, lol!), Lions players can actually help your fantasy team this year (weird), and I can’t believe I drafted Shonne Greene with a third round pick (I mean, is that guy still even in the league?). Also, just to add an element of weirdness to the season, the Kansas City Chiefs are the only undefeated team left in the NFL. No offense to the Chiefs, but…huh?? This must finally be the year that Timmy’s been talking about since 1994!

So without further delay, some quick observations from the week:

That’s What I’m Talking About!!!

New England, D/ST – Joe’s Pats – 38 pts – Pretty much 36 of these points came in the second half against Miami. Check out this stat line: 2 sacks, 4 interceptions, 2 blocked kicks, 3 touchdowns and 14 points allowed.

T.O., WR – Joe’s Pats – 31 pts – T.O. snagged 10 catches for 222 yards and a touchdown against the Browns. That yardage total put him in second place on the league’s career yardage list. But given he was only averaging 4.67 ppg coming in; I would not expect to see many more days like this.

Arian Foster, RB – Scottish Rebels – 30 pts – Foster leads the NFL in rushing by 126 yards over the next closest player, Rashard Mendenhall. He also leads the next closest fantasy RB (Adrian Peterson) by 29 points. To say that any playoff hopes for the Scottish Rebels depend on this guy, would be, well, pretty freaking accurate.

LaDainian Tomlinson, RB – Midnight Maulers – 27 pts – What the 2005?! LT looked like the LT of old and shredded the Bills for 122 yards and two TD’s.

Antonio Gates, TE – SOFA KING GOOD – 26 pts – Seriously, LT scores 27 and Gates scores 26? This really is 2005…

David Garrard, QB – American BadAss – 24 pts – Garrard was the top scoring QB for the week. I promise you that I have never uttered that phrase in my life.

U-G-L-Y! You ain’t got no alibi!!

DeSean Jackson, WR – Scottish Rebels – 1 pt – Jackson with Vick = 46 points. Jackson with Kolb = 1 point. Explain to me again what Philly sees in Kolb?

Hines Ward, WR – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 1 pt – I guess you can’t blame the guy when he has balls coming to him from Dennis Dixon and Charlie Batch. Yuck.

Indianapolis, D/ST – Lords of Lumberg – 1 pt – It’s hard for a defense to score this low, especially when you are playing against Jacksonville. The Colts registered no sacks, no interceptions, no fumble recoveries, no blocked kicks, no safeties and gave up 31 points.

Beanie Wells, RB – Joe’s Pats – 1 pt – In case you were wondering, his nickname comes from his childhood when his brother said he was “skinny like a bean pole”. Okay, maybe only I was wondering...

Randy Moss, WR – Joe’s Pats – 0 pts – Moss was held without a catch for the first time since 2006. And now he’s a member of the Vikings…again.

Santana Moss, WR – American BadAss – 0 pts – Bad week to be named Moss. No catches for Santana either.

Inflation…Deflation… Who gives a $#!t!!

Inflation is an entirely man-made phenomenon in which prices of goods steadily increase over a given time period. Inflation has become ubiquitous to the point where we as a society don’t even question how or why it occurs, and just accept it as a fact of life.

But what is the root cause of inflation? Inflation happens because of two factors: either the goods being purchased are costing more to produce, or the money being used to purchase the goods is worth less. Take a gallon of milk for example. Fifty years ago (1960), the average price in the United States for a gallon of milk was $0.49. In 2010, the average price is $3.50, a seven-fold increase. So that begs the question, has milk gotten more costly to produce today than it was 50 years ago? Most likely it has probably gotten a lot cheaper, due to technological advances and improved delivery methods. So why are we paying 614% more today for a gallon of milk? Because the money we are using today is worth a fraction of what it was worth 50 years ago.

In 1965, the United States removed all silver from the coins in circulation. Prior to that, dimes, quarters, half dollars and dollar coins all were comprised of 90% silver and 10% copper. Those same coins today have a composition of 91.67% copper and 8.33% nickel. A quarter minted in 1964 (the last year using silver) is worth $3.98 today based on its metal content. Quarters minted since are worth just $0.053 based on their metal content. This is a loss of value of over 98%!! In 1964 if you went to the grocery store with four quarters, you could buy a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and a dozen eggs and still get change back. Nowadays with four quarters, you might be able to buy a candy bar, as long as it’s not king-sized. That is inflation. And it sucks...

Payouts

Rather than pay out all of the money at the end of the year, and because I have free Bill-Pay through Wells Fargo, I think it will be cool this year to pay out three times… after Week 6, Week 12 and the end of the season. That should make Weekly Prizes seem a bit more weekly. So everyone send me your current address when you get a chance.

Best Bench

All the teams did a pretty good job this week of having in their best line-ups, with the exception of one team… One team’s bench more than doubled the next closest team’s bench. The winner of the Best Bench for Week 4 is---- Joe’s Pats!! Joe could have improved his point total by 46 points with only two roster changes!! T. Owens for R. Moss (31 pts) and M. Tolbert for B. Wells (15 pts). Now, Joe, the question becomes – How will Randy Moss do now with Grandpa throwing to him instead of Stetson cologne? Should be interesting…

Let’s do this!! Week 5!! And God Bless the U.S.A.!!!