Week 5 Resumen

Five weeks into the season, and we have our fifth different Weekly High Score Champion! This week the honor goes to SOFA KING GOOD, who scored a very respectable 128 points!! Probably the most impressive thing about James’ victory this week is that 21% of his points came from a player who wasn’t even on his roster until Sunday morning – Matt Hasselbeck, who went off on Jacksonville to the tune of 27 points. James also had huge games from Kellen Winslow and Roddy White, who is finally living up to his keeper status. Well done James!! In honor of your victory this week, all segments below have been titled in Spanish.

How about this for parity – We have had five different high scorers in five weeks, only three teams in the league have three wins each, and all of the other teams have two wins each. Not only that, only 71 points separates the top scoring team (the Midnight Maulers) from the lowest scoring team (American Bad Ass). I cannot remember a time where the standings were this close nearly a third of the way into the season. To say that it is still anyone’s game would be a huge understatement.

So this week I’ll check in on my prediction for defenses and my weekly political rant is replaced with a “throwback” rant. More on that below... First, some observations:


HOMBRES QUE PUEDEN JUGAR

• Austin Miles, WR – Free Agent – 40 pts – The first touchdown run was nice, but the second one in overtime was an absolute thing of beauty! Sorry Timmy, I had to say it.

• Roddy White, WR – Sofa King Good – 36 pts – White more than doubled his season output in a single game. Coming in to this game, he had only scored 17 points.

• Ahmad Bradshaw, RB – Sofa King Good – 28 pts – Really, it is just not a fair match-up to have the New York Giants play against the Oakland Raiders. Kind of like making Chris Gallegos play against Jason Noble in tennis…you already know how its gonna finish, and it’s really not going to be fun for one of them.

• Matt Hasselbeck, QB – Sofa King Good – 27 pts – Not bad for a Sunday morning free agent pick-up!

• Michael Turner, RB – Scottish Rebels – 27 pts – Only 97 yards, but Turner found the end zone THREE times on his way to this beautiful score…

• Jeremy Maclin, WR – Free Agent – 26 pts – Two free agents in the top players for the week?! That’s not something you see every day…

• Matt Ryan, QB – Midnight Maulers – 25 pts – The first of two quarterbacks on Jamie’s bench that outscored your team’s quarterback…(I’m speaking to everyone except James.)

• Donovan McNabb, QB – Midnight Maulers – 25 pts – The second of two quarterbacks on Jamie’s bench that outscored your team’s quarterback… (Once again – everyone but James.)

!LA CONCHA DE ORO!

• New York Jets, D – Frito Pie – 1 pt – The Jets D recorded no sacks, no blocked kicks and no turnovers.

• DeSean Jackson, WR – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts – DeSean played the role of decoy all day as he only managed 1 catch for 1 yard.

• Mike Sims-Walker, WR – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts – I don’t even think it would have mattered if he had actually played. Jacksonville only had 199 yards for the whole game, and scored a grand total of zero points.

• Josh Scobee, K – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts – That’s right…the third of three players on my roster this week that scored a big, fat ZERO points.

• Willis McGahee, RB – Joe’s Pats – 0 pts – Here is a direct quote after the game from Willis: "I've got nothing to be mad or frustrated about. I've got nothing to complain about." How about finishing a game with minus-2 yards rushing?!? That doesn’t frustrate you!??!

• Chris Cooley, TE – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 0 pts – No catches for Cooley for the first time since 2004.

• Seneca Wallace, QB – Coors Light Drunk Guys – 0 pts – Wait, let me get this right… Shawn has two active players on his team score zero points, and he still wins his game by 34 points?!?

• American Bad Ass – Entire Roster – 36 pts – Not one player scored double digits this week. And how about this – Jason nearly had his best line-up in the game as he could have only improved his overall total by 7 points this week with one roster move (Tim Hightower for DeAngelo Williams). But on the bright side this point total was still 15 points higher than the all-time low score of 21, set by American Bad Ass in Week 4 2008.

RECORDATORIO AMISTOSO DEL MANTENIMIENTO DEL HOGAR
If you haven’t changed the filter in your furnace in the last six months, now would be a good time to do that. :-)


DIATRIBA DE LA VUELTA
Okay, I get it…NFL teams used to play in uniforms that were uglier than shit. So do we really need to relive this? Spectators were tortured with these uniforms once upon a time, but haven’t we progressed as a society? There are individuals out there now who actually go to school for four years and get a degree in graphic design for the sole purpose of making sure that uniforms like what the Denver Broncos wore on Sunday never see the light of day! (Those Broncos uniforms were downright offensive.) Also, anytime I see that Patriot logo with the dude hiking the ball all it makes me think of is the terrible Patriots teams from the 80’s. Does New England really want to be nostalgic about the time when they sucked?
But at least the Patriots throwback uniforms are recognizable as an NFL team. When teams like the Jets, the Eagles and the Chiefs wear their throwbacks they might as well be a CFL team, because they are completely indiscernible as an NFL franchise. If these god-awful uniforms must be on display, it should be restricted to only during pre-season games or only on the team mascot and cheerleaders.
Also while I’m on uniforms, I want to address the pink overload that has taken hold. Last time I checked, the Breast Cancer foundation used a pink ribbon as their logo. I fail to see how pink gloves and pink-rimmed caps help to raise awareness of breast cancer. It’s just distracting! And this has gotten out of control—there are pink cleats, pink wrist bands, pink mouth guards, pink socks, and probably pink jock straps!! Sorry, unless your last name is Bolleyer, pink does not belong on your football uniform!! Think about 30 years from now…all the highlights from these games will include all of this ridiculous pink! No one wants to see that...
So please NFL, its time to move past the throwback jerseys and lose the pink.


COMO LOS IMBECILES GUARDAN ESTADISTICAS
This was an actual stat put forth by ESPN on Monday Night Football last week in the Green Bay-Minnesota game: “Most TD passes thrown for one team before 1st TD pass against that team.” Uh…what?


ACTUALIZACION DE LA DEFENSA
Philadelphia had an unprecedented week in Week 1 where their defense scored an unheard-of-for-a-fantasy-defense 42 points. My prediction all along has been that it will take the lowest scoring defense until at least Week 5 to score that many total points.
So after five weeks of play there are still seven defenses that have not broken the 42-point barrier: Oakland (41), Tampa Bay (40), Kansas City (40), Tennessee (39), Carolina (37), St. Louis (36), and Jacksonville (32). I predict two more weeks of teams under 42.
Two defense side notes: 1) After their amazingly hot start, Philadelphia has slipped to the 6th ranked defense and trails the leader (Minnesota) by 20 points, 2) I predict Tampa Bay will have some huge games in the next two weeks because why else would Jamie still have them on his team? Don’t doubt the master!


EL MAJOR BANCO
The Lords of Lumberg nearly took the crown for the second week in a row, but in the end just got edged out this time by sprouts for the title of Best Bench! Sprouts could have improved his score by 34 points this week with three roster moves: C. Portis for C. Johnson (15 pts), C. Benson for M. Jones-Drew (14 pts) and E. Royal for S. Moss (5 pts).


Get ready for Week #6!!