Yoohoo! I'll make you famous...

Young Guns came out with guns blazing this week and posted the highest score of the season… 119 points!  (This tops sprouts’ score of 118 back in Week 5).  John basically got there thanks to the Houston Texans… his three highest scoring players were from the Moo Cows (Deshaun Watson 35 pts, Will Fuller 34 pts, and Lamar Miller 18 points).  A total of 77 points from one team---nearly 65% of his total!  Who knew the Texans were so potent?  With the win this week, the Young Guns become the sixth different team to take home a Weekly High Score Prize this season.  Well done sir!

The league standings are still as tight as ever, once again with only 1 game separating the teams in the South Division.  Vandelay Industries is in 1^st with a 5-3 record and three teams are tied in last place at 4-4.  In the North, the Bubble Craps Bandits are pulling away from the pack with a league-best 6-2 record, while the next closest divisional team is two games back at 4-4 (Joe’s Pats).  We have five games to go in the regular season, so there is still a lot of movin’ and shakin’ to come.  Every year going back to 2011 there has been at least one team in the playoffs with 6 losses, and SOFA KING GOOD actually qualified with a 5-8 record in 2011.  Crazy shit happens, so make sure you’ve got your best line-up each week.

With Young Guns getting such a significant chuck of scoring from one NFL team, it got me curious about which NFL team would be the best if you were to load up solely on one team.  Timmy has basically tested this theory with the Chiefs for the last 14 years, now we’ll see what the other 31 teams look like.  Below I’ve ranked all 32 teams on points per week based on their 8 best starting players.  Also this week we’ll check in on the experts’ pre-season Top 5 ranks and the Best Bench this week is one for the record books!

Onward!

NOW THAT’S THE INSIDE STUFF

• Russell Wilson, QB – American BadAss – 38 pts – 452 yards passing and 4 TD’s with only 1 INT.  Wilson is averaging 22.4 points per game this season which is the highest average of any player.
• Deshaun Watson, QB – Young Guns – 35 pts – He nearly matched Wilson’s production, with 402 passing yards and 4 TD’s, but unfortunately added 3 INT’s.  Regardless, this guy has become an absolute scoring monster… he’s scored >30 points three times in the last four weeks, and is averaging 29.2 points per game in his last 5 outings, the highest average for any player across that time frame.
• DeAndre Hopkins, WR – Joe’s Pats – 31 pts – The two Texan’s “De’s” killed it this week, with “De”Andre Hopkins recording his best game of the season: 224 yards on 8 catches with 1 TD.
• Baltimore, DEF – Longshanks – 29 pts – The Ravens absolutely annihilated the Dolphins 40-0, and on the way got 3 sacks and two interceptions, both of which were returned for TD’s.  In spite of recording -4 points in Week 3, the Ravens are the second highest scoring Defense in fantasy, averaging 14.1 ppg just behind Jacksonville (averaging 15.4 ppg).
• Ezekiel Elliott, RB – American BadAss – 28 pts – Zeke needs to rack up as many yards as possible, because one of these weeks he’s going to actually be suspended.  He got 150 this week, plus added a pair of TD’s.
• Juju Smith-Schuster, WR – Young Guns – 28 pts – After having only one double-digit scoring game this season (10 points in Week 4), Juju exploded with 7 catches for 193 yard and a TD in the Steelers win over the Lions.  Big props to John for having this guy on his roster (although not in his active line-up), as I honestly had not heard of him prior to this week.

COME ON MAN!

• Brandin Cooks, WR – Joe’s Pats – 2 pts – Cooks showed flashes of his potential with a breakout game in Week 3 (27 pts), but hasn’t been able to recapture that magic since.  He is on pace for his lowest yardage total since his rookie season in 2014. 
• Stefon Diggs, WR – American BadAss – 2 pts – After looking like the second coming of Randy Moss early in the season, Diggs has not done much.  A groin injury kept him out for the last couple weeks, but he only managed 27 yards on four catches against the Browns.  The freaking Browns!
• TY Hilton, WR – sprouts – 1 pt – Over the last three weeks, Hilton has scored only 4 points. 
• Hunter Henry, TE – Glory Days – 1 pt – Not much for Henry on this day, as he caught just 2 balls for 11 yards.
• Miami, DEF – Vandelay Industries – 1 pt – Just a bad week for the Dolphins as they got smoked Love-40.  Miami is the 23^rd ranked defense.
• O.J. Howard, TE – Longshanks – 1 pt – The Juice was not loose this week, as he had only 2 catches for a meager 16 yards.
• Coby Fleener, TE – sprouts – 0 pts – Fleener had 1 catch for -1 yards.  Not sure how that happens, but Fleener is a complete non-factor at this point, having scored 6 points in his last 5 games.

NFL TEAM SCORING RANKS

Young Guns had 65% of their scoring (77 pts) from the Texans this week, and the Bubble Craps Bandits (aka Chief Dredd) had 86 % of their scoring (81 pts) from the Chiefs.  Below are all 32 NFL teams ranked based on average weekly points scored.  For each team, I calculated what their point total would have been with their best starting lineup (i.e. 1 QB, 2 RB, 2 WR, 1 TE, 1 K and 1 DEF).  Here are the results from worst to first:

Rank	Team	Avg/Wk
32	Miami	47.29
31	Cleveland	49.88
30	Chicago	54.25
29	NY Giants	56.14
28	San Francisco	56.75
27	Indianapolis	58.50
26	Cincinnati	59.57
25	NY Jets	59.75
24	Arizona	60.29
23	Denver	61.43
22	Oakland	62.38
21	Tennessee	63.14
20	Baltimore	63.88
19	Carolina	65.63
18	Pittsburgh	68.00
17	LA Chargers	68.25
16	Buffalo	68.43
15	Green Bay	68.57
14	Tampa Bay	69.00
13	Atlanta	70.57
12	Washington	71.57
11	Detroit	73.43
10	Minnesota	74.75
9	Seattle	77.57
8	Jacksonville	78.29
7	Dallas	80.29
6	New Orleans	81.43
5	New England	82.75
4	LA Rams	83.14
3	Philadelphia	84.63
2	Houston	86.57
1	Kansas City	88.88

So it looks like Timmy and John are definitely on to something with the Chiefs and the Texans being the top two scoring teams.  It was also surprising to see the LA Rams (ranked #4) as high as they are, and to see teams like Carolina (#19), Oakland (#22) and Denver (#23) in the bottom half.

TOP 5 CHECK IN

The day before the start of the season, I locked in the Yahoo! rankings for the Top 5 players in each position, a total of 30 players.  Through 8 weeks of play, and based on average points per week, 10 of those players ranked by Yahoo! are still in the Top 5 of their respective positions.

Top 5 Ranks per Yahoo!
QB	as of 9/5/17	After Week 8 (10/30/17)
1	Aaron Rodgers	Deshaun Watson Hou	24.0
2	Tom Brady	Russell Wilson Sea	22.4
3	Drew Brees	Alex Smith KC	20.8
4	Russell Wilson	Tom Brady NE	20.3
5	Matt Ryan	Carson Wentz Phi	20.3
RB
1	David Johnson	Ezekiel Elliott Dal	19.0
2	Le'Veon Bell	Todd Gurley II LAR	18.4
3	LeSean McCoy	Kareem Hunt KC	17.1
4	Melvin Gordon	Le'Veon Bell Pit	15.1
5	Devonta Freeman	Melvin Gordon LAC	14.5
WR
1	Antonio Brown	DeAndre Hopkins Hou	14.6
2	Julio Jones	Antonio Brown Pit	13.5
3	Odell Beckham, Jr.	A.J. Green Cin	11.3
4	Mike Evans	Mike Evans TB	10.3
5	A.J. Green	Will Fuller V Hou	9.7
TE
1	Rob Gronkowski	Zach Ertz Phi	10.4
2	Travis Kelce	Rob Gronkowski NE	9.8
3	Greg Olsen	Travis Kelce KC	9.6
4	Jordan Reed	Cameron Brate TB	8.9
5	Jimmy Graham	Evan Engram NYG	7.1
DEF
1	Denver	Jacksonville Jax	15.4
2	Seattle	Baltimore Bal	14.1
3	Houston	Los Angeles LAR	13.4
4	Kansas City	Detroit Det	12.7
5	Minnesota	New Orleans NO	11.0
K
1	Stephen Gostkowski	Greg Zuerlein LAR	13.9
2	Justin Tucker	Ryan Succop Ten	12.3
3	Matt Bryant	Stephen Hauschka Buf	10.9
4	Dan Bailey	Stephen Gostkowski NE	10.6
5	Mason Crosby	Kai Forbath Min	10.5

BEST BENCH

We almost had an historic "Single-Player" Best Bench this week from American BadAss, where Jason could have improved his point total by 32 with only one player swap: R. Wilson for D. Prescott.  The single-player Best Bench is a very rare occurrence, as it has only happened on 3 other occasions.  But BadAss didn’t quite get there this week, and instead we got a different historic Best Bench… one which has only happened 7 times prior to this week.  With a 38-point improvement, the Week 8 Best Bench goes to… Young Guns!  Yup, John is the latest owner to snag a Weekly High Score Prize and Best Bench in the same week.  (My Scottish Rebels did it last year in Week 6).  John needed only two roster moves to make it happen:  J. Smith-Schuster for J. Jones +21 and J. McKinnon for J. Ajayi +17.

Get those waiver claims in and get ready for Week 9!!

2017 Midterms Are In!

Seven weeks into the season, and the five teams in the South Division are separated by a half game.  Four teams are tied for the best record at 4-3, and the fifth sits at 3-3-1.  Can’t remember a time where we have been this far into the season with the division standings still literally up for grabs.  The North division’s five teams have 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 wins, respectively.  So it appears in the North, the cream is rising to the top (or the sludge is just sinking to the bottom).

The congratulations this week go to James' newly named Shame to Fame, posting a very solid 115 points!  This is the third highest score posted this season… James got there thanks to a huge game from Amari Cooper (36 pts), plus solid performances from Le’Veon Bell (18 pts) and Tom Brady (17 pts).  This is the second Weekly High Score Prize for James, as he also claimed it back in Week 4.  Well done Major!!

Seven weeks in means it is also time for mid-term grades!  Can you believe we are already on the back half toward fantasy playoffs?  Crazy!  This week’s whole write-up will be focused on grades, so let’s get to it…

Teams were graded in seven categories, with the top team in each category receiving 10 points and the bottom team receiving 1 point.  For any ties in ranks, the points were equally divided between the tied teams.  Here are the seven categories:

1. Current Record – Five teams are tied at 4-3, so each received 7 points.  Best score: Bubble Craps Bandits – Timmy (5-2 record).
2. Points Scored – There is a 172 point difference between the top (634 points) and the bottom (462 points).  Best score: Bubble Craps Bandits – Timmy (634 points).
3. Points Against – Teams with more points scored against them have had a tougher schedule and thus receive more points.  There is a 161 point difference between the top (627 points) and the bottom (466 points).  Best Score: Longshanks – Jerry (627 points against).
4. Keeper Points – Teams ranked by the total points scored by keepers.  Best Score: Longshanks – Jerry (186 points)
5. Weekly High Scores – Joe and James have both claimed 2 Weekly High Score Prizes, so they each earned 9.5 points, and the five teams who have yet to claim a High Score each earned 3 points.  Best Score: Joe’s Pats & Shame to Fame (2 High Scores)
6. Best Bench – The fewest Best Benches receives the most points.  Six teams have not had any Best Benches so they each earned 7.5 points, while I have 3 Best Benches on the season, so I earned 1 point.
7. Waiver Moves – More points were awarded to teams with more waiver moves.  This one is a bit controversial, but I’m saying if you are making a lot of waiver moves, you are at least paying a lot of attention to it, so you should get more points.  Best Score: Young Guns – John (19 waiver moves).

The grades were doled out in the following distribution:  2 A’s, 2 B’s, 2 C’s, 2 D’s and 2 F’s.  Here are the individual team results (and yes, these are in a particular order):

Joe's Pats - Joe
Record:	4-3	7
Points For:	608	9
Pts Against:	582	9
Keepers:	137	8
High Scores:	2	9.5
Best Bench:	0	7.5
Waivers:	12	7.5
Total Points:		57.5
Grade		A+
Bubble Craps Bandits - Timmy
Record:	5-2	10
Points For:	634	10
Pts Against:	533	5
Keepers:	132	7
High Scores:	0	3
Best Bench:	0	7.5
Waivers:	4	2
Total Points:		44.5
Grade		A
Vandelay Industries - Rob
Record:	4-3	7
Points For:	565	8
Pts Against:	562	8
Keepers:	165	9
High Scores:	0	3
Best Bench:	1	3.5
Waivers:	5	3
Total Points:		41.5
Grade		B+
Coors Light Drunk Guys - Shawn
Record:	4-3	7
Points For:	528	6
Pts Against:	558	6
Keepers:	128	6
High Scores:	1	7
Best Bench:	0	7.5
Waivers:	3	1
Total Points:		40.5
Grade		B

Shame to Fame - James
Record:	4-3	7
Points For:	543	7
Pts Against:	474	2
Keepers:	85	1
High Scores:	2	9.5
Best Bench:	0	7.5
Waivers:	9	6
Total Points:		40
Grade		C+
Longshanks -Jerry
Record:	1-6	1
Points For:	496	2
Pts Against:	627	10
Keepers:	186	10
High Scores:	1	7
Best Bench:	3	1
Waivers:	12	7.5
Total Points:		38.5
Grade		C
Young Guns - John
Record:	2-4	2
Points For:	503	3
Pts Against:	559	7
Keepers:	92	2
High Scores:	0	3
Best Bench:	0	7.5
Waivers:	19	10
Total Points:		34.5
Grade		D+
Glory Days - Jens
Record:	3-3	4
Points For:	527	5
Pts Against:	515	4
Keepers:	113	4
High Scores:	0	3
Best Bench:	0	7.5
Waivers:	8	5
Total Points:		32.5
Grade		D

sprouts - Russ
Record:	4-3	7
Points For:	509	4
Pts Against:	466	1
Keepers:	124	5
High Scores:	1	7
Best Bench:	1	3.5
Waivers:	7	4
Total Points:		31.5
Grade		F+
American BadAss - Jason
Record:	3-4	3
Points For:	462	1
Pts Against:	499	3
Keepers:	109	3
High Scores:	0	3
Best Bench:	2	2
Waivers:	13	9
Total Points:		24
Grade		F

Much like real school, these midterm grades don’t mean a gall dern thing… it’s all about how you finish!  Six more weeks to the playoffs!

BEST BENCH
The Best Bench crown is an even more exclusive group than Weekly High Score Prizes so far this season.  There have been five different High Score Prize winners, but only four Best Bench winners as we have another multi-time winner take the crown this week.  With a 31-point improvement possibility, and for the second time this season, the Week 7 Best Bench goes to… American BadAss!  Jason needed only 3 roster moves to make it happen… A. Jones for M. Lynch +19, J. Reed for J. Witten +7, W. Lutz for G. Gano +5.  (Btw bro - Why are you keeping two active kickers on your roster??!!?)

Get those waivers in!  Week 8 is on the way!

Is it?!

“Grant them Prima Nocta…first night.  When any common girl inhabiting their lands is married, our noble lord shall have sexual rights to her on the night of her wedding.  If we can’t get them out, we’ll breed them out.”  Boom!  Longshanks is on the prowl!  In spite of having my tight end lay an egg and having my highest scoring runningback on my bench, my team was the lone team to crack triple digits and thus took home the Week 6 High Score prize!  My defense was spectacular (Ravens – 26 pts), Carson Wentz posted 20 and Jordan Howard added 19, leading my team to 107 points AND my first victory of the season!  I need to make horrible trades more often!

In the league standings, the South Division is now about as close as it can be with the Coors Light Drunk Guys in 1st at 4-2, then Glory Day just a half game back at 3-2-1, then the remaining three teams only 1 game back at 3-3.  The North Division has a bit more separation, with two teams at 4-2 (Joe’s Pats and Bubble Craps Bandits), then the rest of the teams with losing records.  In terms of points scored, the North Division has the edge in total points by 43 (2,310 to 2,267), but the South has the edge in total wins by 3 (16-13). 

Just a quick update this week, as I’m gearing up for mid-term grades next week.  Let’s do this!


GOOD STUFF
-New Orleans, DEF – Free Agent – 32 pts – This has to be the first time a free agent defense has led all scorers in a week.  Check out the stat line… 5 sacks, 3 interceptions, 2 fumble recoveries and 3 (yes 3!!) defensive touchdowns.  In one week, the Saints more than doubled their point production from the previous 5 weeks (31 points combined Weeks 1-5, 32 points in Week 6).  Just amazing.

-Le’Veon Bell, RB – Goose Eggs – 27 pts – After scoring only 12 points in the first two weeks, Bell is averaging 20 per week over the last 4.

-Kirk Cousins, QB – Glory Days – 27 pts – Cousins is the 6th best QB in fantasy, averaging 19.2 points per game.

-Baltimore, DEF – Longshanks – 26 pts – The Ravens recorded 4 sacks and 2 fumble recoveries, and had 2 return TD’s plus 323 return yards!  Nice!

-Melvin Gordon, RB – Glory Days – 26 pts – Two weeks in a row, and two weeks scoring >25 points.  Ain’t nothing wrong with that!

-Adrian Peterson, RB – Longshanks – 25 pts – Hey now!  How about an AP sighting?  The desert sun always seems to have a rejuvenating effect on old bones, so I believe (or rather I’m hoping and praying) this is a preview of more to come.

WHAT THE…?
-Jared Cook, TE – Goose Eggs – 1 pt – Well at least he improved on his point total from last week.  Not by much, but hey.

-Chris Hogan, WR – Longshanks – 1 pt – Hogan's touchdown streak came to an end at 4 in-a-row, along with pretty much any other production.

-Michael Thomas, WR – Goose Eggs – 1 pt – The Saints put up 52 points this week, but somehow none of that production went to Thomas.  He finished with 3 catches for only 11 yards.  Yikes!

-CJ Anderson, RB – Vandelay Industries – 1 pt – In what should have been a favorable matchup (at home vs. NYG), Anderson amassed a meager 17 yards on 9 carries (1.9 ypc) and failed to get the ball in the endzone from the 1-yard line.  The 26 points he racked up in Week 2 look like a distant memory at this point.

-Coby Fleener, TE – Longshanks – 0 pts – Fleener’s production has gone from bad to worse, after having scored 20 points in his first two games of the season to only 4 points total in his last three games.

-Andre Ellington, RB – Glory Days – 0 pts – No catches or carries for Ellington, as it all went to the A-Train. 


PLAYOFFS?!
Last week I made my playoff team predictions, and even in spite of my colossal performance this week, I am sticking to my original predictions.  Just a quick reminder of how the playoffs work, and the prize payouts.
Format – Six teams qualify for the playoffs, with the top two from each division receiving an automatic bid, and the top team from each division receiving a first round bye.  The remaining two spots are wild cards which go to the next two highest teams regardless of division.
Tie-breakers for division standings:  Overall record, Division record, Head-to-head record, Points scored, coin flip.
Tie-breakers for wild card standings: Overall record, Head-to-head record, Points scored, coin flip.
Prizes – Weekly High Score Prize - $50 (runs from Week 1-16 and all teams are eligible each week).
4th Place - $45
3rd Place - $67
Runner-up - $113
Champion - $225


WEEKLY RANDOMNESS
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The past, present and future walk into a bar.  It was tense.
Practice safe eating… always use condiments.

TOP 5’s
Here is the Week 6 check-in on the top ranked players by position, compared to the pre-season rankings.  (Week 6 rankings are based on average points scored per game).

QB	as of 9/5/17	After Week 6 (10/17/17)
1	Aaron Rodgers	Deshaun Watson Hou
2	Tom Brady	Alex Smith KC
3	Drew Brees	Tom Brady NE
4	Russell Wilson	Dak Prescott Dal
5	Matt Ryan	Carson Wentz Phi
RB
1	David Johnson	Kareem Hunt KC
2	Le'Veon Bell	Leonard Fournette Jax
3	LeSean McCoy	Todd Gurley II LAR
4	Melvin Gordon	Melvin Gordon LAC
5	Devonta Freeman	Le'Veon Bell Pit
WR
1	Antonio Brown	Antonio Brown Pit
2	Julio Jones	A.J. Green Cin
3	Odell Beckham, Jr.	DeAndre Hopkins Hou
4	Mike Evans	Stefon Diggs Min
5	A.J. Green	Jordy Nelson GB
TE
1	Rob Gronkowski	Rob Gronkowski NE
2	Travis Kelce	Zach Ertz Phi
3	Greg Olsen	Cameron Brate TB
4	Jordan Reed	Travis Kelce KC
5	Jimmy Graham	Charles Clay Buf
DEF
1	Denver	Jacksonville Jax
2	Seattle	Detroit Det
3	Houston	Baltimore Bal
4	Kansas City	Los Angeles LAR
5	Minnesota	New Orleans NO
K
1	Stephen Gostkowski	Greg Zuerlein LAR
2	Justin Tucker	Ryan Succop Ten
3	Matt Bryant	Wil Lutz NO
4	Dan Bailey	Matt Bryant Atl
5	Mason Crosby	Robbie Gould SF

Of 30 players ranked in the Top 5 of their respective positions, 8 currently rank in the Top 5.  The biggest surprises have to be Deshaun Watson, Leonard Fournette and the Jacksonville defense.


BEST BENCH
Not a lot of points were left on the bench this week, which was surprising with the low scores we saw.  But with a 33-point improvement possibility, the Week 6 Best Bench goes to… sprouts!  Russ needed only three roster moves to make it happen:  M. Ingram for J. Allen +19, J. Brown for TY Hilton +11 and P. Rivers for M. Ryan +3.


Now, who is this who speaks as though I needed his advice?

Week 5 - Playoff Predictions are In!

Well there we go, finally starting to see some points on the board!  Three teams scored over 100 points this week, with Vandelay Industries being the unlucky one scoring 107 yet not pulling out a victory.  Historically, scoring in the triple digits has led to a victory 88.5% of the time.  So it is quite rare to see this happen.  And while scoring 107 and losing sucks, it’s certainly not as bad as when James scored 118 and lost to Ch. 4 News Team 149-118 in Week 15, 2013.  Ouch!  (Record high score in a loss).

This week’s big winner was sprouts who posted the highest score we’ve seen this year (118 points) and thoroughly drubbed Joe’s Pats by 61 points, the largest margin of victory of the year!  Russ put up these impressive numbers in spite of his tight end (Evan Engram) scoring zilch.  The big production came from Leonard Fournette (33 pts), Philip Rivers (20 pts) and TY Hilton (20 pts).  The win gets Russ his second win of the season, improving to 2-3 on the season.  Russ gets an extra tip of the hat this week as his line-up was optimal…nary a point improvement with any of his bench players.  Nicely done sir!

Last week no team scored in triple digits, but the one who came the closest was Mr. James R Hard!  Under team name “Rebuilding Year”, James racked up 99 points thanks to Le’Veon Bell’s 30 points, Tom Brady’s 20 points and Stephen Gostkowski’s 15.  Nice work MAJOR!

In other league standing notes, the Scottish Rebels have officially been overrun by Longshanks, falling to an 0-5 record.  The worst starting record is 0-6, which I have accomplished twice before, so this is familiar territory.  Bad choices combined with bad luck on matchups (I lead the league in points against) have gotten me here.  But the way I look at it, 8-5 should still get me in the playoffs!  Oh yeah!  Longshanks shall take no prisoners!  And speaking of playoffs, its time once again for me to make my playoff predictions… much more on that below.

Let’s do this!


YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT
-Deshaun Watson, QB – Young Guns – 35 pts – Two weeks in a row as the highest scoring player in fantasy, which was the result of two weeks in a row with 5 touchdowns.  This dude is on fire and should expect to see it continue as he faces the Browns next week.

-Leonard Fournette, RB – sprouts – 33 pts – Fournette finished with 181 yards and 2 TD’s, with nearly half of his yards coming on one play, a 90-yard TD run.  That just so happened to be the longest run in Jaguars history.

-Cam Newton, QB – Bubble Craps Bandits – 29 pts – Cam needs to insult women more often, because it apparently makes him play really well.  He racked up 355 yards with 3 TD’s and no interceptions this week.

-Dak Prescott, QB – American BadAss – 29 pts – Best performance of the season from Prescott, totaling 4 TD’s (3 passing, 1 rushing) and just got unlucky on a pick-6 which went right through his receiver’s hands.  Dak is now the 4th ranked fantasy QB, and has scored >20 pts for three weeks in a row.

-Jacksonville, DEF – Vandelay Industries – 28 pts – The Jaguars had Big Ben’s number as they picked him of 5 times (!!!), returning two of those on back-to-back possessions for touchdowns.  They also sacked him twice and only allowed 9 points.  The Jaguars are the #1 defense in fantasy, and it’s not even close.  Never in 100 years would I have ever thought I would write that last line.

-Melvin Gordon, RB – Glory Days – 27 pts – In by far his best game of the season, Gordon went for 163 total yards (105 rushing, 58 receiving) and had 2 TD catches.

WTF?!
-Todd Gurley, RB – Joe’s Pats – 2 pts – Gurley committed the worst fumble of all, losing the ball out of the opponent’s endzone.  It happened on the very first drive of the game, and it didn’t improve from there, as he finished with a meager 43 yards on 14 carries.

-Carlos Hyde, RB – Young Guns – 1 pt – Although he’s apparently not injured, some dude name Matt Breida is getting more snaps than him.  Not a good sign.

-Jared Cook, TE – Scottish Rebels – 0 pts – Cook’s only production (25 yards) was negated by a lost fumble which was returned for a touchdown.  Nice work.

-Amari Cooper, WR – Goose Eggs – 0 pts – Cooper had only 1 catch for 8 yards, giving him 4 catches for 23 yards over his last 4 games.  He is literally the 81st ranked receiver, just ahead of Terrance Williams and behind TJ Jones.

-Dwayne Allen, TE – Joe’s Pats – 0 pts – Joe reached deep here, starting a New England tight end no one has ever heard of, including Tom Brady.  The ball was never thrown his way on Sunday, leaving him with zero yards to add the zero yards he has on the season.  This might be the first guy ever to score zero points and it is not a disappointment. 

-Oakland, DEF – Joe’s Pats – 0 pts – Not a single sack or turnover could be found, and the Raiders surrendered 30 points to the Ravens.  Not a good day.


PLAYOFFS?  DON’T TALK ABOUT PLAYOFFS!  PLAYOFFS?!?!
Each season between Week 5 and 6, I’ve made my prediction on the six teams who will make it to the playoffs.  Last year of the six teams I picked to make it in, all six made it.  My methodology is fluid (which basically means I don’t remember exactly how I did it last year), but this year I'm taking into account current records, current standings, points scored and schedule difficulty (for remaining games).

Without further ado, here are my playoff predictions for 2017:
(and yes, these are in a particular order):

1. Bubble Craps Bandits – Timmy – The Bandits are the highest scoring team thru 5 weeks (which qualifies 100% of the time), and teams who are 4-1 have qualified 75% of the time.
2. Joe’s Pats – Joe – The Pats are the second highest scoring team thru 5 weeks (which also qualifies 100% of the time), plus teams who are 3-2 have qualified 70% of the time.
3. sprouts – Russ – sprouts currently ranks 5th in scoring, which has qualified 72.7% of the time, plus they have the easiest schedule through the remaining 8 games.
4. Coors Light Drunk Guys – Shawn – The Drunks record of 4-1 qualifies 75% of the time, plus Shawn has the third easiest remaining schedule.
5. Young Guns – John – Teams at 2-2-1 have made it to the playoffs 67% of the time.
6. Vandelay Industries – Rob – Vandelay is currently 3rd in points scored, which makes it in to the playoffs 60% of the time, plus Rob has the 4th easiest remaining schedule.

This means the teams on the outside looking in are: Glory Days, Goose Eggs, American BadAss and Longshanks.  I’ll revisit my predictions around Week 12 to see how accurate I am.  Let me just say, I hope I am wildly wrong.

DAD JOKES OF THE WEEK
Caller: Send help, I’m being robbed!
911 Operator: Hi, Being Robbed, I’m dad.  What’s your emergency?

I farted in my wallet, so now I have gas money.

My friend David lost his ID.  So now I call him Dav.

I got diagnosed with color blindness the other day.  It really came right out of the light beige.

I bought my gym membership at Costco and now I’ve got 36-pack abs.

I found a spider in my shoes.  He looks ridiculous…they’re way too big for him.


BEST BENCH
With this being a higher scoring week and with teams on byes, there were not many points left on the bench.  It was a close one, but as I said a couple weeks ago, if you’re gonna do anything, you might as well be the best at it.  Thus, with a 23-point improvement possibility, and for a third time in this young season, the Week 5 Best Bench goes to… Longshanks!  I only needed two roster moves to make it happen this week:  C. Wentz for R. Wilson +17, and D. Bryant for L. Fitzgerald +6.


Get those waiver claims in!  We’re only 3 weeks away from mid terms!  Holy crap!